Why Are They Online If They Don't Want To Date?

Two people use their phones for online dating profile access.
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A reader asks: "Why is it that when i eamil women onlie,most don't even give me the courtesy of a "no,thanks?"I've emailed or winked at hundreds of women,but hardly anyone responds.I compliment them and tell them that i'd like to get to know them better.

Nothing... what is with these ladies?why are they online if they don't want to date?"

It's not that we don't want to date. It's probably one of several reasons:

  • The dating site you're on doesn't purge their database regularly, so folks could be long gone and you'll never know (this is most of the major dating sites, by the way);
  • The profiles are merely dummy profiles, i.e. dating scammers or smaller sites trying to pump up their numbers;
  • The women are overwhelmed with responses and can't reply to everyone. When I first joined OkCupid (more years ago than I'd like to admit), more than 100 people contacted me every single day. There was no way I could say, "Thanks, but no thanks," to everyone;
  • Keeping the last one in mind, when there are a lot of people contacting a woman, they have to use some sort of method to weed folks out easily. Spelling, grammar or typing mistakes - of which there were plenty in your email to me - are usually the first things folks notice, and thus, rarely get a response.
  • Another way of weeding out lots of online suitors is to see if the person has really taken the time to look at their profile and reply with something that seems genuine and interested. If all you're doing is copying and pasting the same, "Hey, you seem cool, wanna talk?" to all of the women you are contacting, then you're unlikely to get a response.

    Several dating sites have posted their reply rates, meaning, how often people receive a reply to their first email. 1-3% is normal, anything more than 5% is excellent.

    Sad, I know - but if you really hear what I'm saying, you can easily increase your response rates by really reading someone's profile, commenting or joking about something they've mentioned, and making the email personal.

    Or, learn the best words to use in a dating profile - yes, a few folks have done the work to find out what works, and what doesn't. 

    I'd also take a look at your dating profile, as there may be something in it that's turning women off from replying to you, and a second opinion from a close friend.

    Related: Why Am I Not Getting Responses To My Dating Profile?, Dating Profile Don'ts, How To Write a Dating Profile.