Who Proposes in a Lesbian Relationship?

Which Partner Asks the Other to Marry Her?

Lesbian Bride
© Blue Magic Photography

When it comes time for lesbians to get down on one knee and ask their partner to marry them, which one does the asking? Now that same-sex marriage is legal in so many places, more and more lesbians are going to be grappling with the question: Do I propose or does she?

Who Proposes in a Lesbian Relationship?

How do lesbians do it? Do we follow the tradition of wedding proposals set up by the straight world, or do we blaze our own path? Here are a few ways lesbians are proposing to one another:

In some relationships, it’s more important to one partner to be able to propose. So if you’re in a relationship, where you know, or you have a sense, that your partner would like to be the one to pop the question, then you might want to hold back and let her be the one to do so. She might want to plan it all out, get down on her knee, pull out a ring and ask. If you know your partner well enough to marry her, then you know her well enough to know if proposing is something very important to her. Let her do it.

For others, the person to propose is simply the one who gets to it first. You both know you’re committed to one another and want to spend your lives together. You’ve even talked about marriage, your wedding, where you would like to get married and even certain aspects—like will it be an outdoor or indoor wedding, big or small, what state you’d like to do it in and what song you want to play for your first dance. You’ve got so much figured out, all that’s left is the asking. It almost doesn’t matter who does it.

Other Options

Maybe neither of you proposes. For lesbians who have been in a relationship for many years, whether or not to get legally married may be more of a practical conversation about benefits and rights, than a surprise romantic gesture. Or even if it is a romantic thing, you might have a conversation about it and just decide to get married.

If you’re in a relationship where you identify with butch/femme roles, then the butch might want to propose. It may be important for her to take on this traditional role.

Or, you can both propose to each other. If one of you beats the other to it, but you were planning on proposing yourself, go ahead and do it anyway. You’ll have two amazing stories to tell your friends, instead of just one.

Do you ask for her parent’s permission? Some straight couples are even shunning the idea that the guy should ask the parent’s for the girl’s hand before he proposes. Depending on your relationship with her parents, you might consider letting them know of your plans to propose. If you think it will win you in with the family to ask for permission and it’s something you feel comfortable with, then go ahead and do it!

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