Top 10 Questions About Gay Sex

01
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Top 10 Gay Sex Questions

I've received a number of pressing, interesting and very valid gay sex questions over the years — enough that I'm sure many couples want to know the same things, even if they haven't written in to ask. Here's a sampling with my corresponding answers. 

02
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No Sex Without a Third

© Steve Woods

Dear Mona:

About 8 months ago my partner and I began having sexual encounters with other men, with the agreement that we did it together. Then his sexual energy for me started to change. Now he has no desire to have sex with me alone, but if a third person is involved, his sexual drive is strong. He says he's working through some relationship issues. Other than sex, we agree that our relationship is strong. What should I do?


Dear Third Wheel:

Nothing good comes in threes — not tires, shoes or relationships. Threesomes always sound like a good idea when our partnered sex lives feel like they're lacking somehow, but few of us actually address the real reason for the sexual lag. Instead, we venture off into the bed of a temporary solution and this is often the catalyst for a break up.

The mere fact that you decided to have an open relationship with agreed-upon terms says that one or both of you wasn't completely satisfied with your relationship the way it was. Consider going back and trying to identify what was amiss when the question of a threesome came into play, then address the problem one-on-one, without the involvement of a third party.  

03
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When Anal Sex Hurts

© Nara Vieira da Silva Osga

Dear Mona:

I prefer to bottom but I don't have anal sex very often. When I am really turned on and want to have anal sex, it hurts. Even though the guy I'm with really loosens me up, it's still uncomfortable. Only once in a blue moon does it feel great. How can I prevent the pain of anal sex?


Dear Tight Quarters:

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the solution to all your anal sex woes was answered by your mom when you were little. Remember when you got your first bike and you couldn't wait to ride it like all the other big kids? But you kept falling until one day you gave up and ran inside, teary-eyed, vowing never to pick up that two-wheeled bandit again. You liked to ride, but it was all just too painful. 

In my case, my mom wiped my tears and said, "Practice makes perfect. When you fall, just pick yourself up, relax, take a deep breath and ride, ride again!" The same answer applies to sex, and especially to bottoming: practice, practice and practice some more. As humans we always try to run from the pain. Try these tips to control it instead. 

04
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The Secret to Letting Your Kinky Side Shine

© Rodolfo Clix

Dear Mona:

I'm a photographer and one of my favorite subjects to shoot is guys in their underwear. However, my kinky side is starting to pull at me creatively. I am finding I want to shoot guys tied up naked.

Am I just continuing on a road that starts out small and simple and ends up with whips and chains? Am I just growing creatively? Am I using my photography as a threshold to have hot guys in my control and calling it art and blaming art? Which is the voice I should listen to?


Dear Private Paparazzi:

Too often, we try to compartmentalize our lives. We've been taught that there are only two little voices in our heads: one good and one bad. Our destiny depends on which one we choose.

But life involves much more than just two dimensions. We all have different aspects of our personalities that vie for attention. Our sensual side sneaks out when our prude side isn't looking. As with anything, life is about balance. If your inner freak is crying to get out, talk to him. Give him some attention. You don't have to throw your personal value system out the window to create sensual balance in your life. The key is staying within the parameters of your own value system. Create your own list of all aspects of your personality can live with, then find a give-and-take between them. 

05
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Help My Boyfriend With His Premature Ejaculation

© Ted Cabanes

Dear Mona:

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a couple of months and we're in a healthy relationship. Everything's going great, except for sex. He orgasms a bit too early.

He's a real good sport about it, but I know it's affecting his self-esteem. He's often apologizing for his premature ejaculation and I can't help but feel the slightest bit guilty. Is there anything we can do to work on the timing, preferably to keep him in the game a bit longer? 


Dear Bad Timing: 

Sex is a sport best played in pairs, and it's a man-on-man drag when one partner leaves the game early. We all know that too much of a man's self-esteem is wrapped up in his sexual scorecard. Sex is an important factor in any relationship, so why wouldn't we want to give our best performance? Try helping him prolong the event by using techniques such as self-distraction or desensitizing creams. 

06
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He Wants to Have Sex Without a Condom

© Margarit Ralev

Dear Mona: 

I recently met a guy online this past June. We chatted often, exchanged many pictures, and even agreed to run background checks on each other for our own comfort. Now, after five months, we've told each other that we love each other! We haven't met in person yet, but he's flying me down to see him for a few weeks in December. Since this will be our first sexual experience together, and with me being a virgin, I'm a little concerned.

He says he's been tested for any STDs, including HIV, and that he is clean. He also told me he'd like to try sex without a condom, since he's clean and I am, too. Is this something I should do? Should I carefully ask to see test results? Or should I request that a condom be used? Please help!


Dear Tommy:

I'm always wary of anyone who asks not to use a condom on the first run (or the second or third or...). If he's asked you, chances are that he's asked others the same question — and trust me, many guys probably said yes.

A ton of guys have fallen into the "but he loves me" trap, only to end up alone taking a cocktail of meds. Why not suggest that you both get tested together before having sex? You'll know if he's genuine by his response. Suggest that you use condoms for at least another six weeks even after the results come back. Remember, a test doesn't cover within three to six weeks of exposure. 

07
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I'm Looking for a Hot Gay Man. Am I Shallow?

© Medioimages/Photodisc/Getty

Dear Mona:

Have you ever met someone you kicked it with online but you find that you're not attracted to him physically when you meet face to face? Am I a shallow gay man for wanting a hot guy?


Dear Beauty and the Beast: 

Physical attraction is an important part of each individual's romantic interest and our own personal sense of a complete package. To what extent physical attraction plays a role is up to the individual, but it shouldn't be discounted. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is probably trying to avoid a facet of themselves. 

Being hot doesn't have to be the most important consideration of a potential date, especially if you dig his personality. But I see no reason why it shouldn't be a factor, keeping in mind that the definition of who's hot and who's not is up to you. Open your mind and heart to a broader definition of what you're attracted to, including things like intellect or sense of humor. When you drop your own perception that you can't find physical stimulation from someone who's not absolutely "hot," it will become clear that attraction is attraction, love is love, and connections cannot be reduced to categories.
 

08
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I Want More From My Sex Buddy

© Robert Zajc

Dear Mona:

I've been seeing a guy for a few months now. He is great to be with and very affectionate, but when the morning arrives, we both usually go our separate ways. He does keep in contact with me when we're not together, but our lives are very much separate. I do not spend any "quality" time with him. He says he likes me a lot, but he doesn't want to rush things. How do I get him to spend more time with me but without appearing clingy and emotionally attached?


Hey Sex Buddy,

Sounds like you've got yourself a classic case of the non-committing gay man — we'll call him your sex buddy for now. I've suffered through many situations at the hands of this fairly common being.

He must be handled with extreme care. He releases emotion at his own pace and no one else's. Pouring your heart out will be seen as a sign of commitment, which is his biggest fear. Hopeless romantics like yourself who think about the future often fall victim to these guys' charms. The sex buddy has no concept of the past or future. He lives in the present. So what does this mean for you?

I've worked with countless couples whose relationships started with casual sex and moved into something more. It can happen, it does happen, and sometimes it even happens with great success. Try to communicate openly but gently, and be prepared to back off for the time being if you don't immediately get the reaction you want. Talk about where you'd like things to go, but don't push it. And try to spend some time together outside of casual sex encounters. Soon enough you'll both have enough information to determine if something more is really there.

09
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Too Young for Erection Problems

© Piotr Banola

Dear Mona:

I'm having a problem keeping my erection while being intimate. I have no problems when I'm by myself, but I almost always lose my erection when someone is with me. It becomes extremely frustrating for both myself and whomever I'm with. It's taking a toll on my dating life.

For the three years that I've been having sex with men, I've always been a bottom boy. Lately I've really wanted to try the top, but it's too embarrassing to even try when I already know that in a matter of minutes I'll be soft. I'm 21 with what appears to be an erectile dysfunction problem. Please, I'm desperate for some help.


Dear Cold Case: 

Here you are at 21, sexually hyped, ready to flip, and the pipes are busted. A man’s ability to get and maintain an erection can be impacted by everything from diet and stress to medications and disease. We think a man should be able to get an erection whenever he wants one or whenever he’s offered sex. It's not true. All men have problems with erections at some point in their lives. 

You'll never be able to move to a new position if you don't find a way to ease the congestion in your head. The rush should go to your performing parts, not your brain, during the game of intimacy. Instead of repeatedly checking on your biscuit during sex, focus on your partner's satisfaction. Don't worry about what he may be thinking, only how he feels. If he's any kind of man, he'll understand that limp happens sometimes. 

You have plenty of time to travel to the top of the world. For now, conquer the bottom. Enjoy the process of sex without focusing on the outcome. Eventually, as you clear your field of mental what-ifs, you'll give room to activities of a more pleasurable nature.

10
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Boyfriends and Bathhouses

© Elīna J

Dear Mona: 

My boyfriend and I have been together for four months and things have been great. The other day, after sex, he suggested that we try having sex in a bathhouse. He likes the idea of others watching. It gives him an extra thrill.

I've never been to a bathhouse, but I perceive it as a place for gay men to have quick, anonymous sex with random partners. While I'm not opposed to having others watch, I'm concerned about the temptation that will surround us in that type of environment.

I want to please my boyfriend, but I find it hard not to be anxious about this idea. I'm worried about the potential impact on our relationship and by the implications of the suggestion itself. This is driving me crazy and I could really use some advice.


Dear Sunset Tan: 

Your perception is dead on: Bathhouses are dens of anonymous sex, random partners, quick hookups, and the more scary and not-so-anonymous STD. It sounds like your boyfriend is taking you on a clueless ride. Show me a gay man who can keep his cool surrounded by dozens of other naked men doing a whole bunch of naked things and I'll show you a 24-hour bathhouse that is actually just a spa. 

Don't get me wrong — I'm far from a prude and I do encourage couples to keep the spark alive by trying new and adventurous things. But there are so many other ways to fulfill your man's fantasies without introducing other people, which you've said you are uncomfortable with, and opening yourselves up to the possibility of introducing a few incurable bugs. 

If you were 100 down with the whole scenario, I'd say go for it, but know the risks and be cautious. If you're not cool with a night out at the 24 sex shack, I'd say find another way to get an audience. Ultimately, you have to consider how far you are willing to sacrifice your comfort for your man's fantasies, especially if they don't end at letting others simply watch.

11
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Will My Moles and Blemishes Run Him Away?

© Scott Liddell

Dear Mona:

I have a nice-looking, tanned and toned body, complete with a six pack. However, I have about 10 to 15 small moles on the front of my body and neck. When I bring men back to my place, I'm worried that they will see my body and make a dash for it. Do you think my moles will put them off? Or am I over-exaggerating? Please help.


Dear Ho'mole: 

Your moles aren't the speed bumps you think they are. One sunny afternoon in his earlier years a young gay man, not-so-anonymously named Ray, got a piercing — only one because he was too afraid to get the pair. Years later, after entering the workforce, he took the piercing out. He didn't want corporate bores to stare at the metal ring protruding through his shirt.

After he removed the ring, the resulting scar tissue left him permanently asymmetrical. The "defect" went unnoticed to the untrained eye, but to him it was devastating. He figured every man would look at this post-piercing with utmost disgust. However, to his surprise, the raisin was usually the first thing conquered during romantic encounters. 

Basically, your moles are a part of you, just like my (um, I mean Ray's) imperfection is a part of me. You'll be surprised what guys like. If it makes you uncomfortable at first strip, make a game out of it. Name or number your moles, then challenge your date to connect the dots. If he doesn't dig it, let him run — there are plenty of studs out there who will be eager to play. Eventually, you'll see your moles as marks of individuality, not date-downers.