Entertainment Love and Romance 3 Tips for Having a Good Divorce What you need to do to have a good divorce. Share PINTEREST Email Print joshblake/Creative RF/Getty Images Love and Romance Divorce Relationships Sexuality Teens LGBTQ Friendship By Cathy Meyer University of Florida Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com. As a divorce mediator, she provides clients with strategies and resources that enable them to power through a time of adversity. our editorial process Facebook Facebook Twitter Twitter Cathy Meyer Updated February 16, 2017 You’ve decided you want a divorce. Have you decided what kind of divorce you want? Are you aware that you can impact the divorce process and determine whether you have a good divorce or one riddled with conflict? Do you want a divorce that is emotionally painful, expensive and extremely damaging to your children? One that can take years to resolve, make you, your ex-spouse and your children unhappy? Or, do you want a divorce that is pain-free, drama free and won’t cost you your children’s college education? You can have a divorce that promotes an amicable relationship between you and your ex-spouse, civil co-parenting and leaves your children with minimal damage. Believe it or not, you have the power to take control of your divorce and make it as positive as divorce is capable of being. How? By committing to creating one! One normally decides to divorce in the hope of lessening conflict in their life, not creating more conflict. A good divorce starts by never losing sight of why you are divorcing…to lessen conflict in your life. Are You Proactive or Reactive? Proactive Proactive people take action in the present that will influence the future in a positive manner. Proactive people, set goals, plan daily, use checklists, review results before acting and continually make adjustments to improve future outcomes. The most important skill proactive people have is their attitude. A proactive person going through a divorce wouldn’t make a call to an ex-spouse without first considering what to say and how to say it in a non-defensive or accusatory way. Proactive people put effort into solving problems, not causing problems or exacerbating problems. Being proactive and thinking about the long-term impact of how you handle your divorce will lead you to have a good divorce. Reactive According to, Luke Jones, “Reactive people are essentially like characters in a movie, playing out the script. They often resemble powerless victims, having their lives run by external factors. They have little control over their emotions. Instead, their emotions are dictated by someone or something else; by circumstance and the outside environment.” During a divorce, the reactive person is going to take their cues from outside sources. They will be driven my those around them. If their divorce attorney tells them they need to “fight for it all,” they will do everything in their power to create conflict during the divorce process. If friends and family tell them their spouse is being unfair or isn’t a good person, they will react angrily toward their spouse instead of conciliatory. During a divorce, the reactive person focuses on the spouse’s faults, past problems in the relationship and on circumstances they have no control over. The reactive person plays the blame game, acts like the victim and creates negative energy during a divorce. If you want a good divorce, you must be proactive, not reactive. There are 3 Steps you Must Take in Order to Have a Good Divorce 1. Start the divorce process with the intentions of having a good divorce. 2. Don’t allow others to influence your attitude and cause you to become reactive instead of proactive. 3. Sit down and make a list of what you need to do to stay on track toward a good divorce. What are The Benefits of a Good Divorce? Your children will experience less emotional damage.You’ll spend less money on lawyers and other divorce professionals.Your children will maintain close ties with both parents.The negotiating stage of the divorce settlement will be less stress and more fairly dealt with by all concerned.Family and friends won’t be impacted by the need to take sides. Due to this those relationships, will remain close after the divorce.You and your ex will be able to maintain a civil relationship after the divorce is final. You will be able to co-parent more productively and in many cases, build a level of friendship with each other. Visualize what you want from your divorce, share it with your spouse and whether or not they agree YOU behave in a manner that will hopefully get you what you want…a good divorce.