Entertainment Love and Romance 4 Tips For Dealing With The Other Man or Other Woman Share PINTEREST Email Print Image Source / Getty Images Love and Romance Divorce Relationships Sexuality Teens LGBTQ Friendship By Cathy Meyer University of Florida Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com. As a divorce mediator, she provides clients with strategies and resources that enable them to power through a time of adversity. our editorial process Facebook Facebook Twitter Twitter Cathy Meyer Updated May 23, 2019 In general, society looks at the other man or other woman as being the responsible party in an affair. It’s understandable that they become the target for the rage and anger the deceived spouse feels. Blaming the other man or, other woman keeps us from having to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage and our own feelings, so we like to pretend that if it hadn’t been for that other person there would have never been an affair. Problem is, there would have been, it just would have been a different "other" person. How you handle the fact that there is another man or woman has a great deal to do with whether or not you end up in divorce court or, are able to save your marriage. I have a few suggestions that will help save your sanity and possibly your marriage. Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Are He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for that person in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is a distraction or an addiction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role. The circumstance is more important than the person your spouse is involved with. Spend your time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and finding a solution for those problems. And, please know that does not shift responsibility for your spouse's affair to you. In most cases, there are marital problems that lead a spouse to cheat. These could be problems you are aware of, they could be problems you are unaware of. The bottom line is this, a cheating spouse is choosing to find solutions to problems in a destructive manner instead of a productive manner. What you need to do, if you wish to save your marriage, is focus on what is more likely to do that instead of following your spouse's example of behaving destructively instead of constructively. See The Relationship For What It Really Is The relationship with the other man/other woman is an intoxicating fantasy relationship with no foundation but lies and dishonesty. They are showing your spouse only their best side, they are being all they can be to your spouse and all they believe your spouse needs. No one can carry on that kind act for long. Their true nature will show itself and the fantasy will wear off. When they start making demands of your spouse, clinging and attempting to control the course of the affair the fantasy will wear off and your spouse will see them for who they really are...someone who has sex with another person's husband or wife. An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of their role as husband/wife and the restrictions it brings. You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience, most affairs go down in flames. They Are Not A Reality, They Are An Illusion Your spouse may see this new person as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take them away from the burdens of having a wife and family and marital problems. In the end, they discover that all the old burdens and issues that came along with the marriage are the same, the only difference is, the person they feel responsible to is different. The only thing that changed was the players, not the game. Even if your marriage ends in divorce and your spouse chooses the other man/other woman you can bet, given time, reality will hit hard. Don’t Internalize Your Feelings When a person views the world through a self-critical perspective, the outcome turns out rather distorted. Don’t allow the actions of an unfaithful spouse cause you to feel shame or unworthy. Such feelings can lead to depression, self-loathing and anxiety. Whether your goal is to save your marriage or divorce your unfaithful spouse, you need to keep a level head and develop good coping strategies. Plus, they say that living well is the best revenge and, you certainly want to get revenge—in a manner that helps you heal instead of causing you more pain.