The Best Ron Swanson Quotes

Ron Swanson
Colleen Hayes/NBC

On Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson (played by Nick Offerman) is the most government-hating government employee around. The only things the head of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department hates more than the government are his ex-wives, both named Tammy. Although he has a softer side, moonlighting as a saxophonist, he generally takes every opportunity to deliver insults in his signature deadpan style. Here are the best Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation.

From “Pilot” (Season 1):
On his feelings about the Parks Department: “I’ve been quite open about this around the office: I don’t want this parks department to build any parks, because I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.”

From “Boys’ Club” (Season 1):
On his ideas about government: “My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe ... when he desires them.”

From “The Banquet” (Season 1):
On Leslie Knope’s new haircut: “It’s just like my brother’s. He’s an officer in the Air Force.”

From “Rock Show” (Season 1):
On his new girlfriend: “My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It’s like a fairy tale.”

From “Kaboom” (Season 2):
On employee relations: “I would prefer that she ask me for my permission so I could say no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.”

From “Ron and Tammy” (Season 2):
On his ex-wife, Tammy: “Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her? She works for the library.”

From “Ron and Tammy” (Season 2):
On his dying wishes: “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”

From “The Camel” (Season 2):
On hard work: “I got my first job when I was 9. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.”

From “Hunting Trip” (Season 2):
On drugs: “When I look at my palm I see a lady’s mouth French kissing a dog. Is that normal?”