13 Funny Quotes to Keep Fights Off the Thanksgiving Table

Thanksgiving Quotes: Funny Side of the Holiday

African-American preparing thanksgiving dinner
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Thanksgiving is a time for families to get together, share snippets from their lives and enjoy the company of their dear ones. But what if your Thanksgiving becomes a time for family fights, shouting matches, complaints, and one-upping competition?

If you have invited guests over for a Thanksgiving dinner, you can help break the ice with some funny words. However, if you crack jokes about a person's gender, color, or nationality, you may offend some people. The best way to keep the mirth flowing is to use funny words of the famous. Use these quotes smartly and you will have a room full of laughter. Enjoy the warmth of the Thanksgiving holiday with a round of humor.

Louie Anderson

"At Thanksgiving, my mom always makes too much food, especially one item, like 700 or 800 pounds of sweet potatoes. She's got to push it during the meal. 'Did you get some sweet potatoes? There's sweet potatoes. They're hot. There's more in the oven, some more in the garage. The rest are at the Johnson's."

Berke Breathed, Bloom County

"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us—a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird, a social being, capable of actual affection, nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it."

Mitch Hedberg

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."

Tony Snow

"If you think Independence Day is America's defining holiday, think again. Thanksgiving deserves that title, hands-down."

Alistair Cooke

"It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes, is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is uneatable without it."

Phyllis Diller

"It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak."

Aaron Neville

"It's a thanksgiving to God. It's something I have wanted to do for a long time, but the record company wasn't ready for it. So I did it myself."

Marilu Henner

"It's better to pace yourself throughout a big day like Thanksgiving by having something healthful for breakfast and something light for lunch."

Rita Rudner

"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before."

Ted Allen

"My whole problem is that all of my favorite things at Thanksgiving are the starches, and everyone is trying to go low-carb this year, even a green vegetable has carbs in it."

David Letterman

"Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this? My mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'"

Jim Gaffigan

"Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"

David Letterman

"When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat."