The Most Quotable Ted Cruz Jokes

Late-Night Jokes Skewering the Texas Senator

Ted Cruz holding a microphone and standing before the U.S. and Texas state flags.

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Just try not to laugh at late night comedy's best and most quotable jokes about Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX).

Ted Cruz Jokes

Late night comedy's most well-known faces have weighed in on Ted Cruz with jokes and one-liners.

James Corden

"In last night's Iowa caucus, Ted Cruz won first place and gave a 32-minute speech. To be fair, 31 of those minutes were just people shouting 'Really? Him?! This guy? We're going with this guy? We're kidding! I did it as a joke!'"

"Ted Cruz's victory last night raises a lot of questions, like one: 'Can he keep this momentum going into New Hampshire?' And two: 'Just how much does it cost to move to Canada?'"

Jimmy Fallon

"On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, 'And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!'"

"Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he's raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, 'Happy to help. Can't wait.'"

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.'"

Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin accused Ted Cruz of lying about Ben Carson and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is my favorite thing in politics — when people lie and cheat to get the evangelical Christian vote."

"Last night, Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to debate him 'mano a mano.' In response, Trump said, 'See, he's not from this country.'"

"Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he's not Canadian."

"Donald Trump is now accusing Ted Cruz of having a Canadian passport. Cruz said he doesn't have a Canadian passport — but like everyone else, he'll get one the minute Donald Trump becomes president."

"Ted Cruz has jumped ahead of Donald Trump in the latest Iowa poll. The poll was called 'Who's crazier?'"

"Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President."

Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a 'maniac,' he has since learned that Cruz has a 'wonderful temperament.' And if Donald Trump thinks you have a 'wonderful temperament,' you're probably a maniac."

"Republican hopeful Carly Fiorina said on Sunday that Ted Cruz will say 'whatever he needs to say' to win the election. And it's true. Just this morning, Ted Cruz said 'Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton.'"

"During a speech on Friday, Senator Ted Cruz said that if you walk up to someone and say 'Joe Biden,' the person will crack up laughing. Which is the same reaction you get if you say 'President Ted Cruz.'”

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate, during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed."

Jimmy Kimmel

"Ted Cruz said he would carpet bomb ISIS until the sand glowed. When it was pointed out ISIS was centered in a city with a major population, he said carpet bombs should only target ISIS, which means Ted Cruz has invented a carpet bomb that only kills the bad guys, which is remarkable. I don't know why we didn't think of that before."

"Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls, but still is only the fourth most popular cruise behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival."

"After 16 days, the government shutdown is over. Right now, a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building."

Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of 'twerking.'"

"We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it."

"Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. Twenty-one hours? I kept saying, 'Where is Kanye West when you need him?'"

"This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus — he's the one guy she refuses to lick."

David Letterman

"How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz? He gets ahold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I'm telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it?"