Entertainment Performing Arts Steven Wright One-Liners Share PINTEREST Email Print Virginia Turbett / Getty images Performing Arts Stand Up Comedy Singing Acting Musical Theater Ballet Dance By Simran Khurana Simran Khurana Education Expert MBA in Human Resource Development and Management, Narsee Monjee Institution of Management Studies B.S. in Commerce, Accounting, and Finance, University of Mumbai Simran Khurana is the Editor-in-Chief for ReachIvy, and a teacher and freelance writer and editor, who uses quotations in her pedagogy. Learn about our Editorial Process Updated on 01/14/20 Steven Wright is an American comedian who is famous for his deadpan expression while performing on stage. His one-liners seem intelligently designed, focusing on absurdities that we take for granted. In 1985, Steven Wright featured in an HBO special titled, Steven Wright Special, which had a huge fan following. Apart from comedy, Steven Wright has also created short films. He won an Academy Award for Best Short Live-Action film in 1989. Steven Wright does not use coarse language to create jokes. His one-liners make you marvel at his sharp wit. He shakes every belief system and pulls you out of your comfort zone. Steven Wright's one-liners create a riot of laughter. If you are good at dialogue delivery, use these one-liners to sharpen your speech. Use them as ice-breakers in a meeting or as a punch-line in your presentation. "I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'" "I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus." "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five." "For a while, I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]" "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." "George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by." "I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol." "I put my air conditioner in backward. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'" "I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back." "I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving." "I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time." "I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.'" "I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired." "I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today." "I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second." "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone." "I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter." "I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests." "I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding." "I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly." "I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done." "I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes." "I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle." "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." "I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side." "I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window." "I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'" "I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'I don't want your job.'" "I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'" "I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars'." "I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything." "I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'" "I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. 'What are you making?' 'A salt lick.'" "I went to a fancy French restaurant called 'Deja Vu.' The headwaiter said, 'Don't I know you?'" "I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'" "I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." "I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum."