Steven Wright One-Liners

Steve Wright

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Steven Wright is an American comedian who is famous for his deadpan expression while performing on stage. His one-liners seem intelligently designed, focusing on absurdities that we take for granted.

In 1985, Steven Wright featured in an HBO special titled, Steven Wright Special, which had a huge fan following. Apart from comedy, Steven Wright has also created short films. He won an Academy Award for Best Short Live-Action film in 1989.

Steven Wright does not use coarse language to create jokes. His one-liners make you marvel at his sharp wit. He shakes every belief system and pulls you out of your comfort zone.

Steven Wright's one-liners create a riot of laughter. If you are good at dialogue delivery, use these one-liners to sharpen your speech. Use them as ice-breakers in a meeting or as a punch-line in your presentation.

  • "I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'"
  • "I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus."
  • "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
  • "For a while, I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]"
  • "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
  • "George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk."
  • "Hermits have no peer pressure."
  • "I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by."
  • "I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
  • "I put my air conditioner in backward. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'"
  • "I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back."
  • "I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
  • "I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
  • "I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.'"
  • "I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired."
  • "I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today."
  • "I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
  • "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
  • "I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
  • "I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests."
  • "I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
  • "I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
  • "I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done."
  • "I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes."
  • "I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle."
  • "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
  • "I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
  • "I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window."
  • "I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'"
  • "I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'I don't want your job.'"
  • "I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'"
  • "I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars'."
  • "I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
  • "I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'"
  • "I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. 'What are you making?' 'A salt lick.'"
  • "I went to a fancy French restaurant called 'Deja Vu.' The headwaiter said, 'Don't I know you?'"
  • "I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'"
  • "I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
  • "I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum."