Entertainment Love and Romance 9 Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating Are you seeing any of these behaviors in your spouse? Share PINTEREST Email Print Love and Romance Divorce Relationships Sexuality Teens LGBTQ Friendship By Cathy Meyer University of Florida Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com. As a divorce mediator, she provides clients with strategies and resources that enable them to power through a time of adversity. our editorial process Facebook Facebook Twitter Twitter Cathy Meyer Updated August 31, 2017 You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, something is not right but you can't quite figure out what that feeling is about. Your spouse has become distant, he/she is working late on a regular basis or, maybe your spouse has moved out of the house with no explanation. You suspect your spouse is cheating but every time you bring it up with your spouse, he/she denies the possibility. All the signs are there but you don't have any proof. So, pay attention to the signs and your instinct but, be careful not to confuse signs with proof. 01 of 09 "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Peter Cade/The Image Bank/Getty Images If you hear these words, a big warning bell should go off. This is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. Your spouse may have a deep, loving bond with you but, intense feelings of passion can override the bond with you and cause your spouse to lose sight of his/her true feelings. The cheating spouse will develop what is called hormone - induced amnesia. The surging hormones and passion they feel in their new relationship can cause some very skewed thinking. This is what happens in many relationships that fall victim to infidelity. The spouse who strays has spent years investing time, emotion and energy in the marriage. They may feel that no matter what they do, they cannot or, are not getting what they feel they need from the relationship. They lack the skills to do something different, something that might work in their favor and finally get them what they need from the relationship. They get stuck in a negative place. People who are stuck can see no way out, they view their problems as permanent and many times think the only way to get unstuck is to turn to someone else. A new relationship is a great way to distract themselves from the problems in a marriage. You are suddenly unstuck and enjoying the lust and passion that comes with a new found relationship. All of a sudden, they are getting everything they need from another man or woman. After years of not getting their needs met in the marriage, this can be a huge relief. If you are reading this article and are someone who has found relief in a relationship with someone other than your spouse, I have something I want you to do. Before you destroy your marriage and family by leaving for another person, I want you to think about what you are really feeling. Don’t use the new relationship as a distraction to keep you from being honest with yourself and your spouse. If you are a cheating spouse make sure that one of the problems below is not causing you to throw your marriage away just to keep from having to deal with them open and honestly. Do you feel your spouse is… Controlling Dismissive of your feelings. Is financially irresponsible Not spending enough time with the family. Rejecting you sexually. Working too much. Not working with you as a couple to make the marriage better. Whatever you feel the problems are in your marriage you owe it to yourself and your spouse to get honest with him/her. It may not be easy, it may be painful for your spouse but it is the only way to solve problems because the “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” statement is a sign that something is wrong in the marriage. You may find that after you open up to your spouse that you are playing a role in your own unhappiness. If you are reading this article and your spouse has said, I love you but I’m not in love with you, then view it as an opportunity to open up to your spouse about how you feel in the relationship. When hearing such a statement it is easy to become panicked, to go on the defensive and react in a negative way. You need to not only say what is on your mind but to also listen to what your spouse has to say. It is important for both spouses to try to see it from the perspective of the other spouse. You may think you’ve been an outstanding wife or husband. Your spouse may have another opinion. If you are willing to listen openly, you may find that you have fallen short. That there are things your spouse needs from you that you have not given. The only way to know if the “I love you but I’m not in love with you statement,” is coming from someone who is stuck or someone who truly is no longer in love is to be willing to explore the problems in the marriage and take responsibility for your part in the problems. If, after doing this, the marriage still fails you can both move on knowing you tried to work through the problems. You will have both grown and learned from the situation and hopefully won’t take the same issues into a new relationship. 02 of 09 "We are just friends." Dimitri Otis/Creative RM/Getty Images This is also another very predictable statement that will come from a cheating spouse. If your spouse is spending more and more time with this new "friend"; then there is probably more to it than mere friendship. Your spouse may feel they have a lot in common with this person, that this person understands them and things they are going through. Whatever the reasons for the friendship, it's a big warning sign and one you should take seriously. 03 of 09 A sudden need for privacy. Daly and Newton/Getty Images If things the two of you used to share openly suddenly become private pay attention cause something is probably up. He/she may start password protecting computer activity. Cell phone and credit card bills may be hidden. If you ask why or attempt to find out information that used to be common knowledge between the two of you, you will be accused of snooping or trying to control your spouse. Big warning sign! 04 of 09 "I need some space to figure out my feelings." undefined Men and women who are involved with someone else will request more space, time alone or away from the family. They may say it is due to confusion over their feelings or stress at work. This can be a sign that there is someone else and the spouse is trying to figure out ways to have more freedom. 05 of 09 Regular work habits change. Kyle Monk/Creative RF/Getty Images Working late is a great cover for a spouse who is having an affair. If your spouse suddenly has to work late after years of coming home at a certain time then I would say it is safe to be suspicious that something other than work is going on. Work related excuses are a good way to account for large blocks of time away from home. They may tell you they are burning the midnight oil when in fact they are working between the sheets with the other man/other woman. Below are some behaviors that should cause you to pay attention to what is going on in your marriage. If your spouse’s work routine changes after years of the "same old, same old." Unless he/she has a new job or a new position in their old job this is a huge red flag. If your spouse is suddenly working on projects that take him/her out of town for the weekend you may want to volunteer to go with him/her. If he/she isn’t open to that suggestion then more than likely they already have someone to share that work weekend with. If you spouse starts talking about a co-working of the opposite sex it pays to pay attention to what is being said. What can start out as an innocent relationship with a co-working can blossom into something unhealthy. You will be able to tell by what is said the direction his/her relationship with the co-worker is headed. There is no harm in letting your spouse know you are not happy that he/she has become close to a member of the opposite sex at work. When it comes to figuring out whether your spouse is cheating all you need is your own sense of intuition. No one knows your spouse and their work habits better than you. If something changes with those habits, it doesn’t necessarily mean an affair but it does mean you need to pay attention and find out exactly what is happening and whether or not it is detrimental to your marriage. 06 of 09 Spending a large amount of time on the computer. Photographer's Choice/Dimitri Otis/Getty Images In today’s world, with modern technology, a person looking for an affair doesn’t even have to leave their home. The ease of internet chat rooms, online dating sites and secret email accounts has caused an alarming increase in emotional affairs. If your spouse is online more than usual, hanging out in chat rooms and visiting pornographic websites then you have reason to be alarmed. 07 of 09 Secretive phone calls and more time spent on the phone. Izabela Habur/E+/Getty Images Emotional affairs occur primarily via the phone, especially cell phones. If you find your spouse hanging up suddenly when you enter the room or erasing the history on the cell phone and becoming defensive when asked about it, then you might want to check your phone records. 08 of 09 Behavior that just doesn't add up. Francesco Carta fotografo/Creative RF/Getty Images Not being where he/she was expected to be. Missing time they can't explain. Money that isn't accounted for. Receipts for things you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day. If something is off with their behavior, you should suspect cheating. 09 of 09 Your Own fears and suspicions Blend Images/JGI/Jamie Grill/Getty Images If you find yourself looking for excuses for your spouse's behavior or trying to convince yourself that they would never cheat then that is a warning sign. Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then talk to him/her about what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become excellent liars. People who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut instinct but get hard, cold proof also. If Your Spouse Cheated Will Your Marriage Survive? Infidelity doesn't mean your marriage must come to an end. Trust has been lost, the betrayal is emotionally painful but, if there is a good foundation and friendship, you can save your marriage.