Help! My Husband Went to a Strip Club

neon sign for topless entertainment
Ron Koeberer/Aurorav

Not long ago, we received this email from a reader:  "I recently found out my husband went to a strip club with his buddies. At first, he lied to me because he knew I didn’t want him to go. Some people say, 'Boys will be boys and going to a strip club comes with the territory.' But I have expressed to him before that I don't approve of this type of behavior. I feel like he’s betraying me. And it doesn’t seem necessary for a married man to hang out with half-dressed women anyway. What should I do?"

(Here's Our Answer)

So Your Husband Went to a Strip Club ... 

Strip clubs tend to be a gray area for many couples. Some husbands and wives go to clubs together and view it as a way to spice up their sex life. Some women don’t mind if their husbands accompany their guy friends to strip clubs. And still others are dead set against it. Each couple needs to make a decision together about what is appropriate for them.

You have every right not to want your husband to frequent a strip club with his buddies. And it appears you've expressed this wish to him previously. However, he made a mistake and lied to you, putting your trust at risk (which hardly seems worth losing over a lap dance from a stranger—but let's not jump to conclusions). 

Have an Open Conversation

In order to build trust in a marriage, you need to be honest with one another. First, let your husband know that you are upset with his actions and calmly present the reasons why.

Then listen closely to his reasons for going to the strip club in the first place, and find out why he felt like he needed to lie about it. No doubt—your husband's job is to regain your trust. But the building blocks towards reconciliation start with laying the groundwork in a calm and collected conversation.

This may result in a disagreement about whether or not going to a strip club is even a betrayal of your marriage. But be sensitive and remember that sometimes these outings are part of a bachelor (or bachelorette) party, and he may have felt obligated to go to show his support to a friend. Also, give him the chance to relay the night's details. Maybe he hung back, sipping his beer in a corner, while his friends were ogling over the entertainment.

Discuss Your Relationship Values

Your husband needs to hear you out to you, too, so that both get a chance to express your feelings. Only then can you move forward with a new understanding. Maybe he felt awkward saying "no" to his friends. Maybe you envisioned a reckless outing, when it was anything but. Talk about it lovingly (even though you're mad) and come to a resolution that you both feel comfortable with. Many times, an issue like this will present itself because you need to reevaluate your values as a couple. Think of it as a growing pain. Because once you come out the other side, you'll realize this "stripper incident" was just a means to make your love for and understanding of each other that much stronger.