Setting Boundaries with Your Lesbian Daughter - How to Set Boundaries with Teen

Is My Lesbian Daughter Ready for Sex?

Dear Lesbian Life:

My 15-year-old daughter came out to me about six weeks ago although I’ve known it was coming for some time now. I was accepting and made clear my love and support of her would not change. But inside I had a sadness. I did not express my feelings to her as I wasn't sure how I felt about how our life would change, and I wanted her to feel "safe."

Yesterday she brought a girl she had met home.

This was their second meeting. I was asleep when she arrived and when I knocked on her door and stepped in they were in bed with their blouses off. I shut the door.

I told her later she was not respecting the household, me or her dad. She apologized and said she was a nice girl--I told her how could I know by the way she introduced her to me. She seemed more worried about seeing her again.

Is She Too Young for Sex?

I should cut to the chase. I feel she is too young for such intimacy. Is this common in this age group? How can I explain she is moving too fast (isn't she?), and should I accept that that train has left the station and now what?
Concerned Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

First of all, your reaction of sadness is a normal one. Even though you love your daughter and want her to have the life that is right for her, it is normal to feel sad. Your child is probably not going to live the life you thought she would.
Our society has so many negative messages about homosexuality, it is hard not to internalize them. It is okay to grieve, but it is also important to eventually move on from that and learn to love your child as she is.

As for your child’s sexual activity, regardless of her sexual orientation, it is right of you to set boundaries for her.

She is 15 and needs guidance from her parents.

Although this probably isn’t the talk you imagined having, it is time to sit your daughter down and let her know what behavior is and is not acceptable to you in your house. It may seem obvious to you, but let her know that your concern is for her safety and well-being, not just that you’re trying to control her behavior.

As for what is common in her age group, that’s not really the question. Kids have all kinds of different sexual experiences. Some they are ready for, others not. What I think you’re really asking is is it okay to instill your values about sex to your daughter. Yes! Of course it is.

Set Boundaries for Your Lesbian Daughter

Is she moving too fast? If you think so, then yes she is! Ask yourself this, would you even be questioning your response if you caught her with her top off with a boy?

Some parents don’t let their kids date until they are 16. Others are not so strict. What I think is important is that you are able to sort our your daughter’s sexual activity from her sexual orientation. And it’s also important that you let her know that this is not about her dating a girl, but a guideline that you would establish regardless of who she was seeing.

She is a teenager and she is going to need a balance of privacy and supervision. It might be tricky ground for you both to navigate. You’ll probably butt heads. That’s normal. What is important is that you keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. Let her know that she can come to you with questions, thoughts and feelings.

See if there is a PFLAG chapter in your area. Talking about these issues with other parents going through the same thing can be very helpful. Thanks for seeking out advice!