Secret Service Jokes

Best Jokes About the Secret Service Sex and Prostitution Scandal

United States Secret Service van - Washington DC
Tim Evanson/Flickr/CC BY-SA 2.0

Check out this roundup of the best late-night jokes about the Secret Service sex scandal involving prostitutes in Colombia.

Secret Service Jokes

"Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role." - Andy Borowitz

"It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA." - Jay Leno

"Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn't want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute." - Conan O'Brien​

"Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party." - Jimmy Fallon

"That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here's the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they're going to have one hell of a going-away party." - Conan O'Brien

"Congress now is expanding its investigation into the Secret Service prostitution scandal. Congressmen want to know how could this happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards?" - Conan O'Brien

"Reporters are in Colombia digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort." - Jimmy Kimmel

"After they promised $800, they only gave her $30. That's what you call a trade deficit." - Jimmy Kimmel

"The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt." - Jimmy Kimmel

"Eleven Secret Service agents are being investigated. So far one has been fired, one resigned, one retired, and the rest are thinking about leaving just because the party is over. Now all they're doing is standing around in sunglasses waiting to take a bullet for somebody they don't know." - Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women." - Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar." - Conan O'Brien

"This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service." - Craig Ferguson

"Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces." - Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney." - Bill Maher

"One of the agents involved in the scandal was on Sarah Palin's detail in 2008 when he was running for vice president. And he posted a picture on his Facebook – apparently he had a little crush on her – of him standing behind her kind of smirking and saying, 'I'm checking her out.' Which is more than you can say for the McCain campaign." - Bill Maher

"President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney." - Craig Ferguson