4 Reasons Your Wife Doesn't Want To Have Sex With You

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Courtesy Justin Horrocks via Getty Images

So, you got married and the sex stopped. Or, slowed down significantly and you’ve found yourself identifying with all those men who complain about a wife who doesn’t want sex. And, there are a lot of men who complain about not getting enough sex. A lot!

How can a wife pull the old “bait and switch?” Why are you feeling like nothing but a provider? Why doesn’t she understand how her sexual rejection causes you to feel?

I’ve often wondered, of all the questions men in this situation ask themselves, do they ever ask, “Am I playing a role in my wife’s lack of interest in sex with me? Could there be something about me that is causing my wife to withdraw intimately?”

If you haven’t stopped and asked yourself that question, I suggest you do. Below are 10 reasons your wife may have shut down sexually.

You’ve Let Your Physical Appearance Go:

We all have a tendency to become comfortable once we say those vows. It’s easy to let yourself go after the wedding if you now view your wife as a sure thing instead of a woman whose affections you need to pursue.

If you were clean-cut, in good physical shape before marriage turning into a pot-bellied slob isn’t going to go far when it comes to getting her motor humming. You don’t have to walk around looking like a Hollywood celebrity but she is more likely to desire sex if you look like the guy she married.

 

A healthy body, cleanliness and behaving like you care about your appearance will go a long way in her behaving like she cares about having sex with you.

Your Personality And Temperament Has Changed:

Did she marry a happy-go-lucky guy who has turned into a chronically stressed complainer? Once the vows were said did you become passive and afraid instead of the strong, respectfully assertive man she married?

Women marry a man for many reasons, the number one being, they like their man’s personality. If you were a fun, talkative extrovert before marriage she is going to expect the same after marriage. I often hear from women whose husbands turn into men who do nothing but work and watch television after marriage. Where is the fun, engaging guy she married and thought she would spend the rest of her life with?

If you’ve found yourself in a situation where you don’t feel comfortable or safe being the man she married it’s time to sit down and discuss your feelings with your wife. If she is doing something that is off-putting let her know. If you are feeling encumbered by work, paying the bills or other stressors talk it through with her. She wants the man she married back and will feel closer to and more intimately connected with you if you are willing to be vulnerable and let her know what is causing the change in your personality and temperament.

You Are Failing To Understand The Psychology of Sexual Attraction:

Women are sexually attracted to a man they feel close to. She wants to feel admired by someone she respects. To quote Flavio Gikovate, "A woman is not sexually attracted by a man's body; her enchantment is more related to some characteristics that are capable of arousing a feeling of love.

As love is a feeling that originates from admiration, the interest of a woman in a man occurs essentially because he possesses characteristics that she considers as positive."

Men are visual creatures, women are emotional. Old news I know but news worth paying attention to. If your wife isn’t feeling admired, important and essential by the man she married she will soon lose the desire to be intimate. 

If a woman doesn’t feel good about herself she won’t feel good about engaging in sexual intimacy. It isn’t a husband’s responsibility to make his wife feel good BUT it is his responsibility to understand that his wife will feel sexually attractive based on his behavior toward her. A woman’s relationship with sex and desire is complicated and like it or not, as a husband, you need to put forth effort into understanding that relationship.

 

For most men, the desire to have sex with their wife is directly related to the wife. Get her naked and there will be a desire. Women, on the other hand, need to know they are important to their husband before they are able to desire him sexually. 

Her value to you as a woman is directly tied to her desire to be intimate with you.

She is Exhausted And Would Appreciate a Bit of Help:

She has a job or children or, both, AND a home to keep clean, laundry, doctor’s appointments, PTO meetings, bedtime stories, and a never ending list of “things to do.”

A typical married woman lacks the libido it takes to conjure up an interest in sex because their lives are overwhelmed by all that comes along with having a job, children and playing the role of wife.

How many times do you go to bed and leave her baking 100 cupcakes for the kid’s school bake sale? How many times have you taken off work to take an ear infected kid to the doctor? How often do you spend your free time in the car driving kids from game to game or, dance lesson to dance lesson?

How do you, as her husband, juggle a full-time job, school aged children, keeping the laundry clean, getting dinner on the table and all that goes along with keeping a family on track? If you aren’t juggling any of these responsibilities you may find your wife more receptive to the idea of sex if you get some of those balls in the air.

If your wife is stressed; overwhelmed by responsibilities and exhausted she isn’t going to be interested in sex with her husband or anyone else. And may possibly feel that divorce is the best choice. That is just reality.

If the sex stopped or slowed to a snail’s pace after marriage there is a reason and that reason may not be the mere fact that you married a woman. Women are sexual beings, they, as much as men enjoy an intimate relationship with their spouse. If it isn’t happening, step back and make sure you aren’t playing a role in her lack of desire for sex. 

More About Sex and Intimacy In Marriage:

  • Why The Passive Aggressive Wife Withholds Sex
  • Do You And Your Wife Take Time Out For Sex?
  • Could It Be Low Libido And Hormanal Issues?