6 Reasons I Believe The Divorce Rate Is So High

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As an expert in the area, I am often asked why I believe the divorce rate is so high. I am often told why others feel the divorce rate is so high. I have an opinion and so does everyone else. Here is mine. 

It surprises me that the opinions of some are rather simplistic when explaining the high divorce rate in our country. Some point a finger at the feminist movement, others blame an inability to make a commitment.

Based on my own experience as a Divorce Coach and Marriage Educator it goes deeper than feminism or a lack of commitment by spouses to the marriage.

Here are six reasons why the divorce rate is so high:

1. Independence Is Crippling Marriages:

People end up in divorce court because they wait too long to find solutions to the problems in their marriage. We are a nation of highly independent people and in my opinion that independence we covet stands in the way of us being able to humble ourselves and ask for help from each other—and the experts.

Most likely we can’t solve our problems alone, especially something as complex as a marital problem. We are of the mindset that if we work harder at the marriage, we can deal with the issues. What we don’t stop to consider is that if you don’t have the skills needed to work through the problems it doesn’t matter how hard you work.

A little humility and a willingness to admit that we need help would keep quite a few couples from becoming victims of divorce.

2. Couples Don't Know how to Fight Fair:

Couples have this romantic notion that if they are in love they shouldn't be fighting. Once the fighting begins, they are so flabbergasted by the idea that someone who loves them would criticize them that all hell breaks loose.

Instead, we need to realize that fighting can be healthy for a relationship. Otherwise, we start harboring resentment and start withdrawing from our spouse. There is an inability in America to fight, make-up, forgive, and get on with the marriage.

3. "My Way or The Highway" Mentality:

In a marriage, a person’s role will change. At times, they will be in control of major issues, at other times their spouse will be in control of major issues. I see an unwillingness to give over control to each other. It is called "mutual submission" and in my experience, I see very few people willing to yield control to their spouse. The “my way or the highway” mentality is destroying good marriages and leaving people with nothing but their need to be control freaks.

4. Declining Morals and Skewed Beliefs:

People are too quick to seek comfort somewhere else if things aren’t working out in their marriage. Declining morals and the skewed belief that straying outside the marriage is justifiable if your needs aren’t being met is devastating to a marriage.

Very few marriages recover from infidelity. Looking outside the marriage to solve problems only adds more problems to the marriage.

5. Marriages Are Viewed as Disposable In Today's Society:

We live in a disposable society. Marriages are thrown away in the same fashion one would toss an old pair of shoes. We are looking for a quick fix, something that can satisfy our needs and if those needs aren’t satisfied some feel it is easier to toss the spouse and move on to the next relationship.

If the marriage becomes hard and requires a little attention and work, it is easier for some to discard the marriage than to hunker down, roll their sleeves up, and do the work necessary to save the marriage.

6. Our Marital Expectations Are Childish:

Our expectations of what marriage is supposed to be are childish. We think if we will meet someone, fall in love, marry and that person will take care of all our needs. We believe our spouse will there every step of the way and solve any problems that arise or distill any loneliness we may feel.

We marry expecting someone else to make us happy, instead of creating our own happiness. In my work, I've seen that too many people marry without realizing that their happiness is their own responsibility.

Beyond the Usual

If you are in a situation where there is domestic violence or serial adultery, you have reason to seek a divorce. Most of the people I coach and communicate with who are going through a divorce are not in those situations. Most had no idea how much work it takes to make a marriage work. My best advice is to not wait until it's too late and resentment sets in or adultery takes place.