New York Jokes

"A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, 'Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that Donald Trump doesn't want to live at the White House full-time. He's thinking about commuting from New York City. It's all part of Trump's plan to make America great again, and to make traffic in New York City worse than ever." Jimmy Fallon

"Rumors are circulating that Donald Trump has been telling his advisers that he plans to spend his weekends in his Trump Tower penthouse in New York City instead of the White House. I don't think that's what voters meant when they said they wanted a Washington outsider." –James Corden

"Al Gore met with Donald Trump today to discuss climate change. They probably talked about how climate change could lead to massive floods in places like New York City. Trump was like, 'That's why I live on the 58th floor.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. Manhattan was jammed with traffic, streets were filled with people wearing strange clothes and yelling in every conceivable language. Then the U.N. got started." –Craig Ferguson

"According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're now selling parking places in New York. You can buy a premium parking place for $1 million. When President Obama heard that, he said, 'Hey, wait a minute. I'll give you $2 million if you will take the place I'm in.'" –David Letterman

"Here in New York City they are converting telephone booths into Wi-Fi hot spots. Because we have very few phone booths left, Clark Kent — Superman — has to use the men's room at Starbucks." –David Letterman

"Taylor Swift announced she would become New York City's new tourism ambassador. New Yorkers said, 'How could we let a woman who's not even from New York welcome people to the city?' And then the Statue of Liberty said, 'I know, it's just crazy. Can you believe it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new condo development in New York is charging a million dollars for parking spots. A million dollars to park your car — wouldn't it be cheaper to just get a ticket every day for the rest of your life and park wherever you want?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you're thinking: Is Zypher Teachout a man or a woman? And the answer is . . . probably." –Jimmy Fallon

"A survey showed that 71 percent of Americans do not believe Washington should drop the name of their team – the Redskins. Also, most Americans believe that New York should just drop the Jets altogether." –David Letterman

"Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is planning to open a new farm-to-table restaurant in Queens. So, whatever you do, don't ask to see the special." –Seth Meyers

"According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You're lucky, because the most popular form of greeting here in New York is the middle finger." –David Letterman

"The Republican National Convention is going to be held in 2016 in Cleveland. They outbid New York City. Cleveland beat New York City. And I'm thinking to myself: Wait a minute, this is not right. Hookers and bribes don't work anymore? What is the problem?" –David Letterman

"Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia – checking a bag." –Jimmy Fallon

"People in New York are getting to know new Mayor Bill de Blasio. Last Friday he was spotted eating pizza with a knife and fork. New Yorkers are upset. His first scandal in office is eating pizza with a knife and fork. When he heard that, Chris Christie was like, 'Hey, wanna trade scandals?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mayor de Blasio says he wants to get rid of horse-drawn carriages in Central Park, saying they are inhumane. Meanwhile, thousands of unemployed New Yorkers are saying, 'I'll pull the carriages. How much an hour?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us." –Conan O'Brien

"The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: 'If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!'" –Conan O'Brien