Funny Nerd Jokes to Amuse Your Fellow Intellectuals

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Nerds are the unsung heroes of our time. Without the work of countless hardworking scientists, mathematicians, linguists, and other smart folks, we would not enjoy any of the technological innovations we have today. Celebrate nerds and your own nerdiness with these hilarious nerd jokes.

Jokes for Computer Nerds

What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?
A slipped disk.

How can you tell if a computer geek is an extrovert?
They stare at your shoes when you talk instead of their own. 

What does a proud computer call his little son?
A microchip off the old block. 

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC. 

What is another name for a computer virus?
A terminal illness.

Why did the programmer use the entire bottle of shampoo during one shower?
Because the bottle said "Lather, Rinse, Repeat." 

Why can't cats work on the computer?
They get too distracted chasing the mouse around. 

Jokes for Science Nerds

What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe?
Ouch, Mitosis! 

What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleus.

What did the chemist say when he found two new isotopes of Helium?

Anyone know any jokes about sodium hydride?

What do you call a microbiologist who has visited 30 different countries and speaks 6 languages?
A man of many cultures.

What did the femur say to the patella?
I kneed you.

Jokes for Math Nerds

Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?
Because he is 2 square.

What is a bird's favorite type of math?

What is the first derivative of a cow?
Prime rib.

What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
An Algorithm.

What does the little mermaid wear?
An algae-bra.

How does one insult a mathematician?
Tell them that their brain is smaller than any ε > 0.

What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Jokes for Grammar Nerds

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nerd?
There, Their, They're.

What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A teapot.

One night a man and a woman walked into the bar they left. Who remains?
The night.

A word in this sentence is misspelled. What word is it?
Misspelled, duh.

Jokes About Nerds

Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.

Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too." Then he died.

Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
Because they don't C#.

What do you call a programmer from Finland?

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.