30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants

A Biologist, a Chemist and a Statistician Are Out Hunting

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

Schrodinger Gets Pulled Over by a Cop

The cop searches the trunk and says, "Do you know there's a dead cat in here?"

Schrodinger says, "Well I do now!"

Why Can't You Trust Atoms?

They make up everything.

A Roman Walks Into a Bar and Asks for a Martinus

"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"

Have You Heard About the Sick Chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.

A Freudian Slip...

...is when you say one thing but really mean your mother.

I'm Reading a Book on Anti-Gravity

I can't put it down.

I Have a New Theory on Inertia

But it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

There Are Two Types of People in the World

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Cow With an Octopus?

A meeting with the ethics committee and the swift removal of your research funding.

A Wife Sends Her Software Engineer Husband to the Store

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six!"

Later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him why he bought six cartons of milk and he replied, "They had eggs."

Did You Know There's a Band Called 1023MB?

They're not bad, but they haven't had any gigs yet.

Where Does Bad Light End Up?

In prism.

What's Another Name for Santa's Elves?

Subordinate Clauses.

Why Does a Burger Have Less Energy Than a Steak?

Because a burger is in it's ground state. 

Parallel Lines Have So Much in Common

It's a shame they'll never meet.

How Many Microsoft Engineers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

None. They just change the standard to darkness.

What Does a Proud Computer Call His Little Son?

A microchip off the old block. 

Why Is Beer Never Served at a Math Party?

Because you can't drink and derive.

Why Did the Programmer Use the Entire Bottle of Shampoo During One Shower?

Because the bottle said "Lather, Rinse, Repeat." 

What Did Argon Do When Copper Insulted Him?

Argon had no reaction.

Two Antennas Met on a Roof, Fell in Love and Got Married

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers?

They're really good with figures.

A Photon Is Checking Into a Hotel

The bellhop asks him, "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."

A Piece of Sodium That Lived in a Test Tube Fell in Love With a Bunsen Burner

"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."

What’s the Difference Between a Cat and a Comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Did You Hear the One About the Pregnant Woman?

She went into labor and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

Yup. She was having contractions.

What Did E.T.'s Mother Say to Him When He Got Home?

Where on Earth have you been?!"

Why Do Teenagers Only Travel in Groups of Three?

Because they can’t even.

A Farmer Counted 196 Cows in the Field

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.