Military Jokes and Humor

Joking within the military branches of service is as old as this country itself. Each branch of service as well as different MOS or rating have different rules and jokes made about them. Here are a few classics:

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
How the Military Uses the Word "Suck".

Army Infantry: An Army grunt stands in the rain with a pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having marched 15 miles, and says, "This sucks."

Army Ranger: An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 miles, and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!"
Army Special Forces: A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after swimming to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I wish it could suck more....."
Air Force: An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down,
looks down at the soldiers below and says: "Sure sucks down there!"
Navy: A Naval Officer, sips his coffee, eats a donut on the bridge of the ship as it rains outside looks to the shore and says: “Sure does suck over there.”
Air Force Officer: An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted BOQ room and says to his friend, "Man.. Cable's out! This sucks!"
U.S. Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
14. There are some assholes in the world that just need to be shot.
15. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.
16. Engage your brain before you engage your weapon.

The last three rules are courtesy of General Mattis.

Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

Ten rules to live by: (From Admiral Bill McCraven)

1. Start your day with a task completed
2. You cannot go it alone
3. Only the size of your heart matters
4. Life is not fair, drive on.
5. Failure can make you stronger
6. You must dare greatly
7. Stand up to bullies
8. Rise to the occasion
9. Give people hope
10. Never, ever quit

U.S. Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

U.S. Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

U.S. Army Special Forces Rules:
1. Always look cool.
2. Always know where you are.
3. If you do not know where you are - look cool.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
4. Deploy the Marines.