Military Jokes and Humor

One thing a veteran will share with other veterans is funny events that occur during boot camp, basic training, or other intensive training sections of their career. Being able to laugh at yourself and others is a key to success while enduring stressful training programs. The Drill Instructors give you plenty of opportunities to make mistakes and laugh at yourself. The following submissions are actual events; funny drill-instructor incidents, submitted by our readers:

Getting Recycled

"I'm going to recycle you so far you'll be at your first DEP meeting by the time I get through with you!"

Screwing with the Dorm Guard

You will stand duty, watch, guard during your boot camp / basic training, sometimes the instructors are bored and like messing with people. Here is such a story about Air Force Basic Military Training where the Training Instructor (TI) will keep the "Dorm Guard" on their toes:

TI - "DORM GUARD!"

Me - "Sir trainee so and so reports as ordered!"

TI - "What the hell do you want?"

Me - "Sir you called me."

TI - "Are you on acid?"

Me - "No Sir."

TI - "Get out of my face!"

- 2 seconds elapse -

TI - "DORM GUARD!" Repeat until the TI is tired.

Some times the drill sergeants and TIs just say funny things. Trying not to laugh is often difficult.

Happiness

Army BCT...I was walking out the door to a formation and I was all upbeat about passing my PT earlier this morning. I was smiling and bouncy as anything...I was walking out the door when the DI said "PVT[me], get over here!"

I grabbed a buddy and went over to him.

He looked at me and said, "Pvt, no matter how you happy you get, you'll still be ugly."

I looked at him for half a second, looked at my buddy and we (me and buddy) burst out laughing.

Another drill sergeant comes over and looks at us. He then asked me:

"Are you on crack?"

All four of us just about died laughing.

Liar!

I screwed up big time as was caught in kind of a lie but not really, but I had to take it as the perceived reality of my TI was now my reality.

"Liar! (My nickname my T.I. gave me), you're the reason why I can't go to @#$%&! Walmart and buy spray paint. They lock that sh*t up 'cause of huffers like you!"

Piss Test

"You'd better drink some #*$& water, I don't want your piss looking like gold dust."

After a recruit got a little too casual: "Okay 'Simmons,' do you wanna sit on the front porch swing, hold hands and drink lemonade with me?"

It helps to have a "sh*t screen" when going through training:

Tap Water

PVT: "Excuse me, Drill Sergeant?"

DS: "What is it?"

PVT: "Drill Sergeant, I cannot drink the tap water."

DS: "Why not?"

PVT: "The impurities make me ill, Drill Sergeant."

DS: "Ill?"

PVT: "Yes, Drill Sergeant. I can only drink bottled water."

The Drill Sergeant paused a beat, unbelieving. Then he gestured at a nearby private.

DS: "Private XXX, go and help Private Tapwater fill up his canteen, and make sure that he drinks it. There's nothing wrong with that water!"

For the rest of the Basic Training, he was known as Private Tapwater. The other screwups like me were so glad to have him there, it saved us a lot of 'personal attention' from the Drill Sergeants. Thank you again, Pvt. Tapwater!

Getting rolled in training happens, usually failing to meet a standard, or getting injured, or ill.

Recycle

"I'm gonna recycle you so far back it's gonna take Michael J. Fox and a souped-up DeLorean to get you back!!!"

Submitted by kappasig1304

Every time my T.I. would "recycle" someone they'd tell them to "pack your trash" and start playing "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen loud so everyone could hear it (worst part was he would sing to it and laugh).

"No Excuse Sir." Remember that response.

Excuse Tree

TI: "Trainee Reimer, what is this?"

Me: "Sir, Trainee Reimer reports as ordered. It's a sock, sir."

TI: "I know it's a sock, dumbass, look at how it's folded. What's your excuse for this?"

Me: "I had someone help me, because I was working chapel guide, I just got back 20 minutes ago."

TI: "Well trainee, you're just one big @#!%&! excuse tree, aren't you? Got an excuse for everything, you like being an excuse tree? We'll make you one."

He starts throwing clothes over me, making a tree out of all the clothes in my clothing drawer, which I am holding in my arms, standing at attention. He finishes all the other inspections and tells me to put my clothes away, commending me for keeping my military bearing. I must have stood there, not moving for about 25 minutes, covered in clothes.

Radar Scopes

My brother (Air Force, '60's) says a guy at chow was apparently looking around in line and was pulled out and made to stand at attention with his head swiveling back and forth, saying "I am a radar scope, I am a radar scope...."​

My brother was at the head of his group going in, rounded the corner, and saw this guy doing his thing. Bro never could keep a straight face and busted out laughing, so... by the time it was all over there was a whole line of them saying "I am a radar scope..."

No Cussing

"Lima company you just #$%^&! UP! *Ahem* Belay my last! Lima company, you just jerked up!"

Military training is challenging and you have to have a sense of humor otherwise the constant negative feedback, living is close quarters with strangers, the chow hall food, the constant moving, marching, will get to the even most prepared. The good news is that these strangers will soon be life long friends and you can laugh at the good times and bad.