Military Jokes and Humor: Navy vs. Army

Classic Military Rivalry - More Than a Football Game

Sailors, Marines, and civilian Department of Defense employees stand in formation while filming a television spot in front of the jet hanger for Training Air Wing One (TW-1) at Naval Air Station Meridian for broadcast during the Army-Navy football game.
Photo courtesy of U.S. Navy; photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Aramis X. Ramirez

Jokes among military members are as old as the military and the branches themselves. Here are some classic Army and Navy jokes that are good G rated humor. This is standard West Point and Annapolis heckling, but the goes well beyond the service academies and reach into the regular Army and Navy, among pilots, special forces, and other units as well. The following jokes you will see typically in the halls of the United States Military Academy and Naval Academy.

Jokes Against Army

An Army football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the KMart came out and unplugged it.

A Cadet and a Mid were strolling down the street when the Mid said, “How sad, a dead bird.” The Cadet looked up and said, “Where, where?”

Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Three plays later, Army punts.

Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q. What do you get when you drive slowly by the Military Academy campus?
A. A degree.

Q: What do a Navy Midshipman and a West Point Cadet have in common?
A: They both got accepted to West Point.

Army Football Team Goes on a Break

The Army coach gave his Army football team a few days off. Several decided to go down to Panama City Beach for fun and relaxation.Coach saw the players the first day back at practice and asked about their vacation.

"Not good coach," said the players. "We never made it to the beach."

"Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?"

"No," they replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between West Point and Panama City."

Army Football Recruits

Two Army football players were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, “Old MacDonald had a what?”

The other replies, “He had a farm.”

The first asks, “How do you spell it?”

To which the second replied, “E-I-E-I-O.”

USNA Grad Walks Into a Bar

The Annapolis grad walked into the bar, sat down and said, "Hey barkeep, you hear the joke about the four West Point players in a farmhouse?" Chairs scraped behind him, and four of the biggest, meanest guys in the bar stood up.

"We played for Army. You sure you wanna tell that joke?"

The Navy grad smirked in disbelief and said, "What, and have to explain it four times?"

More Anti-Army One Liners

Q: How many West Point plebes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, it's a second-year course.

Q: Did you hear that Army just bought twenty new septic tanks?
A: Yeah, and Army coach says as soon as they learn to drive them, they're gonna invade Annapolis.

Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to change a tire?
A: Just one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science!

Q: What's the difference between a West Pointer and a catfish?
A: One's a slimy, smelly, scumsucking bottom feeder, and the other is just a fish.

Q: What are the best four years of a West Pointer's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How come the Army football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "W's" together.

Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One -- he just holds onto the bulb and expects the world to revolve around him.