Lesbian with Male Sexual Fantasies

Can I Really be a Lesbian?

Sexy Man
Can Lesbians Fantasize about Men?. © Necip Yanmaz/Getty Images

Here's a question I received from a lesbian-identified woman who is upset about fantasies that she has about men.

Dear Lesbian Life:

I never used to masturbate very much, but I have been more in the past couple years. However, even though I'm a lesbian (been dating girls since high school) I've found myself picturing men sometimes when I'm masturbating (and sometimes when I'm having sex, too!) Not necessarily a man's face...but thinking about a penis being in me.

I hate this! I don't understand why I do this! I often find myself visualizing my girlfriend next to me having sex with a man, too!

I find myself wondering if I'm even a "true" lesbian because of these thoughts! I mean, I LOVE watching a women get off (by a man or woman...especially a woman though). I feel like I cant' talk to ANYONE about this though. Is there something wrong with me? Please help...


Upset about Fantasy

Dear Upset:

Here are my thoughts:

First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. Fantasy is just that. It's not real. Some women have fantasies about having sex with strangers or co-workers. It does not mean they actually want that to happen!  Your fantasies can and will change over time. If you ever read an advice column like Dan Savage, you will get a better understanding that people have all kinds of freaky fantasies and as long as no one is hurt, they're all okay. Believe it or not, plenty of lesbians have male fantasies or like to watch male porn: gay and straight.

What concerns me the most here is that you get so upset at yourself for having these fantasies. Fantasies are okay. They're a part of who you are. There's nothing wrong with them or with you. It's perfectly normal. In fact, recent scientific studies indicate that sexual fantasies are very common and there are even some fantasies that are more usual than others.

The primary group studies were heterosexual, but many of them fantasized about having sex with someone of the same sex. 

My guess is your fear is your fantasy somehow makes you less of a lesbian. The truth is, lesbians do fantasize about all kinds of different sexual acts, and like you, often feel ashamed to talk about them. Thanks for writing in and bringing up a question I am sure many others are thinking. 

Regardless of your fantasy, I am also wondering if you might like to experiment with penetration. Have you and your girlfriend tried strap-on sex? This might be one way to satisfy your craving for having a penis inside you without actually having to bring a man into your bed.

If at some point you decide that you really do want to sleep with a man, that is okay too. You may eventually choose to identify as bisexual, or you may remain a lesbian who occasionally sleeps with men. The world is too diverse to put into the small labels we have for ourselves. Thank you for being brave enough to write in about this.

Do you have a sex question you'd like to see answered? Email me!