Lesbian Sex Question: How Do I Please My Lover

Lesbian Sex Help Needed

Women in lingerie holding hands in bed
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Here is a lesbian sex question I received from a woman who is baffled by something her lover told her...

Dear Kathy
I have been in a relationship with my soft butch girlfriend for two years, and our sex life is dead. Just last night for the first time my girlfriend told me my sex was horrible. I have never heard that from another woman before. So this is new to my ears. My girlfriend told me that I do the same tricks to her every time we have sex. She blames herself and me for the reasons why the sex is boring. She is overweight and feels like that is my issue with her sexually, it is not. I love her body I just have no clue how to please it, so what do I do?


Dear Baffled:
Wow, that must have hurt your feelings. It seems to me your partner could have come up with a more sensitive way to let you know that her needs were not being met. Before I get to the sex question, I urge you to look at your relationship and assess if it is a healthy one. Take the Lesbian Domestic Violence Questionnaire to determine whether you are in an abusive relationship. Remember abuse does not have to be physical, but verbal abuse can be just as harmful.

Okay, let's give your partner the benefit of the doubt and assume she was just having a bad day when she told you your sex was "horrible." I guess it's pretty obvious that she is not very good at expressing her needs, or she would not have waited two years to tell you she is unsatisfied.

Sex Life in a Rut?

Yes, we all have the potential to get into a rut. The best way to get out of this rut is to be able to talk openly and honestly about what your sexual needs and desires are.

After what she said, can you listen with an open heart?

You need to go back to your lover and ask her to tell you not just what is wrong, but what can you do to make it better. Does she have a fantasy that she would like to play out? Would some sex toys spice up your love life? Rent some sexy videos to get you both in the mood and to show you some new tricks.

Check out some lesbian sex books. I highly recommend The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman.

If she is unable to tell you her desires, perhaps she'd feel more comfortable writing them down in an erotic journal for you to read, or better yet, read aloud to her.

You are only limited by your imagination of what you can do in bed together. There is no reason either one of you should be bored or unsatisfied.

Of course there is always the possibility your partner feels bad about herself for being overweight and she has turned the blame on you. Does she seem depressed? Perhaps she or the both of you should head to counseling.