Classic Quotes From Stand-Up Comic Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan's comic timing is impeccable. He knows how to tickle your funny bone. Self-deprecating humor never fails to elicit laughs, and Gaffigan's a master at it.  This Indiana native who got a big lift from late-night host David Letterman in 1993 has several trademarks. Besides his self-deprecation, he also regularly voices the internal monologue of his audience and makes constant jokes about food and strawberry blond hair. He's one funny guy. Here are some samples.


"Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen."

"We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. 'You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two doughnuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the doughnut-ham-hamburger!"'

"There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat but would still like diarrhea."

"I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else."

"Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'"


"Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John."

"The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal."

"But in Indiana, it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big'; it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'"

"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic. I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk."'

"My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that."

Everything Else

"I come from a very big family ... nine parents."

"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'"

"I was watching the 'Animal Planet.' Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?"

"Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers."