Is It True That Ex-Boyfriend's Always Come Back?

Getting Back Together With My Ex

Unhappy young man looking out of window
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Dear Mona,

I felt like me and my ex were the exception to what seems to be the rule in gay life and love. I was 29, he was 22. There was an instant connection. The relationship budded into something so special. We were together a lot. We were such a real couple. There weren't the issues of partying and going out and being promiscuous–all the things I had feared about gay life my entire life.

He told me every second of every day how much he loved me. We had an amazing sex life and so much romance every time we were together... then BAM, out of the blue, he ended it. Well I lost it, I didn't know what to do, have been in total disbelief since last June, have lost friends and have found myself more than disappointed in whats out there.

He and I were communicating, he was texting here and there, I was emailing him...but he wouldn't see me. He said it was so awkward and painful. From what I have heard, he has been out there dating, drinking, doing all of these things he never did when were together. I saw him in a bar a few weeks after that and he once again rejected me by saying "I thought about it and I don't need to be friends with you." It was so painful. I told him that he was walking down a path in West Hollywood that would eventually crumble around him and that he should know I'd always be the guy that loved him truly.

I miss him so much. Is it really true they all come back or will I have to suffer the same fate as so many young guys knowing that I lost my love while he left his for a world of young bar hopping and messing around?

-Brandon


Dear Brandon,

Just because we come out doesn't mean we shed all of the internalized homophobia that we grow up with.
It may not be obvious or blatant, but it lives within the subconscious for many gay guys. Some gay men will deny the phenomenon, but just ask any of us how we feel about other gay people and a disproportionate amount will reiterate the same stereotypes and generalizations used by homophobes.

Internalized homophobia is a powerful beast because it has the power to change our perceptions about the gay world around us. You say you and your ex didn't have a "typical" gay relationship. You clung to each other and not the bar scene. Well, my friend, spending every moment together doing "boyfriend" things outside of the bar is the typical gay relationship. What you had with your ex was normal, not the exception. It's also normal for your ex to get back into the "singles" bar scene, because as far as he's concerned he's not in a relationship anymore. Of course, you see it differently because in your head you're still in the relationship.


One of the perils of writing this love and relationship series is that I often have to be the bearer or harsh news. Lovers who are in love with love often ask me why their hearts were broken and how they can get back with the one who ended it all. And each time I want to respond and tell them to just hold out and wait and he'll come running back—sorry for his actions—ready for love.
They think: If I keep showing him how much I love him or how much better I am for him, then he'll come to his senses and come back to me. The reality of the love world is that this is rarely the case. Rarely does he come back.

Romantics everywhere loathe hearing this news because it hurts and there is no closure. They spend hours upon days upon weeks, and in your case, months asking the "whys" instead of dealing with the 'what is." Brandon, only when you accept the reality of what is in front of you can you ease the pain you're feeling. And the painful reality is: He's over the relationship and you may never gain any closure.

Your situation has nothing to do with the underbellies of the gay scene; your ex has fallen victim to a lack of maturity. He's not a bad person for his behavior, he's just not ready for the type of relationship you two had–that's why he ended it in such a crude manner. You can't all of sudden make him mature in the context of serious relationships. There is nothing you can do to make him see how great you are. He's chosen not to. He's chosen to move on.

It hurts; all heartache does. I took two weeks off from school to go eat chocolate all day long on my mom's couch after my first love broke my heart. You've been longing for, writing to, and seeking your ex's attention for 10 months now, refusing to let your heart heal. Meanwhile, he's given you every sign–including being a complete jerk–that the relationship is over. After all, he reduced you to friend status and then to no status at all. You can keep asking yourself why, but the result will not change. Only when you decide to let him go will the pain and your longing for him subside. Only when you take him off the pedestal of your "one great love never to be replaced again" can you heal your heart.

Deep down, I know the only thing that will make you feel better in the short term is for him to come back to you, arms wide open with an apology, ready for love happily every after. The likelihood of this happening is very low. You have to except the fact that your ex didn't cherish your love together. But, the good new is you have a choice now: Keep analyzing his past, present and future moves falsely hoping he will come back or free yourself for the next great love that will come around. It will eventually come around when you close this chapter and open a fresh page in your life. Your perceptions of the gay scene is that it is rare to find love. That's the myth, my friend. There is plenty of love out there, but you're stuck inside mourning the lost of an old one.

He was not the love you thought you were waiting for. Start the healing process and be more mindful of your well-being. Disney movies have brainwashed us for years into thinking that it only takes two hours of hardship before we can sail off into the sunset with our one great love. Finding love is hard. Finding the right love is even harder, and it only comes around when we let the credits role on old fantasies.

Yours,
Mona