Is He Into Me, Or Is It Just Sex?

A happy couple laying bed.
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Theresa asks, "I'm dating a guy who enjoys having frequent sex with me. I really like him but how can I know if he likes me for more than our physical play? I mean, is he into me?"

Theresa, thank you for your question – In some ways I'm left with more questions than answers. To me, it sounds like you're looking for some signs of affirmation from your guy. This is healthy and valuable insight that you might not be getting what you need from him or that you're worried he's only using you for sex.

I want to ask: In what ways do you need to be loved? What do you need to feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship? Is it words, actions, gifts of affection and affirmation? All of these can be important and nurturing qualities in new and lasting relationships.

The man in me wants to simply say, “Ask him,” but I also know that any man presented with that question does an internal, “Oh crap, this must be a trick question... What should i do?! What should I say!? Honesty or appeasement? Isn't it obvious I like her by the fact that I can't help keep my hands off her?!”. Many men will answer under the gun but it might not be the authentic and sincere response you're hoping for. Also, different people communicate their affections in different ways.

While frequent sex is a clear indication of your man's physical interest in you, gauging his other interests/intentions require paying attention to his actions of affection.

How can you know if he likes you in other ways?

Pay attention to the ways your guy connects with you:

  • Does he phone or text to just connect or is it always a booty call?
  • Does he express words or messages of endearment? Words expressing affection and care?
  • Perhaps he does things for you to help you out when you're having a hard day or are faced with a difficult task?
  • Gifts of any kind? Large or small? The simplest things can be the most loving – even a little note says a lot.
  • Does he ever go out of his way to do or share something special with you?
  • How likely is he to meet with you just for your company and not so much just for sex?
  • Does he make time for you as a priority?

Lots to consider here. Answering these questions can give you clues as to how much your lover might be thinking or caring about you beyond the sexual. Depending on how new your relationship is, the extent to these affectionate efforts might differ. And too, not everyone expresses their care and attention in the same way.

How do you like to be loved? Tell him that. You might find that the most important indicator that he's thinking about, or likes you, is that he pays attention to your preferences and makes deliberate attempts to connect with you on that level.

It's clear you connect on the physical level but that's hardly the full picture. Think about how you like to be loved, tell him about it, and see if he can meet you there. One way or another you'll discover if you're truly compatible in a deeper way.

For further insight, check out relationship counsellor Gary Chapman's book “The Five Love Languages”.