How Does a 57 Year Old Lesbian Find Love?

Advice for an Over 50 Lesbian on Dating

Germany, Berlin, Mature woman using laptop on sofa, smiling, portrait
Westend61/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

Dear Lesbian Life:

I haven't been with a woman since 1980. There have been a couple of women, but nothing with any promise. I kept hoping. I actually believed anyone should be thrilled to have someone love them to the degree I love. You would be surprised how hard it is to get someone to love you after you even have agreed to provide a written guarantee. Yes, I can do that! I’ve never walked away from anyone...

oh wait!! I’ve never had that opportunity!

So, do you have any ideas how this crazy-ass woman might find somewhere to meet someone? I did glance at your site explaining how to go about trying to "catch" someone’s eye. I’m 57 and have never gone looking for anyone. I’m older now and needless to say my assets have dropped! I will consider any advice you provide as long as it doesn't mean I have to go out and try to talk to someone. Yes, unfortunately I am THAT reserved.

One of the big issues is I am terribly shy and these new women scare the hell out of me. When I was dating, there was no soft butch, stud bitch, etc. You were who you were.

I don't do the bar scene for several reasons. Once I start drinking, I don't quit until the fat lady sings....oh wait, that would probably be me!! And the big thing? I don't know how to dance. My last partner was a woman everyone waited for in the bar just to dance with her!

I would never dance with her because I didn't want to embarrass her. What advice do you have for me?

Looking for Love after 50.

Dear Looking for Love,

I’m sure it took a lot of guts for you to write for advice. I’m glad you did. But I’m not sure the advice I’m going to give you is the advice you are looking for.

I can’t tell you you’re going to be able to meet someone without actually putting some effort in. Being shy is okay, but it hasn’t gotten you a date in 28 years. If you want to see some change in your life, you’ve got to make changes. You’ve written to me, so I can only assume you are ready to make some changes in your life. So here goes:

Internet Dating

The good news is, unlike 1980, we now have the Internet as an option for dating. I have heard from many lesbians of all ages that they have met their partners online. If you do meet someone online, eventually you will probably want to meet her in person, but hopefully by that time you will have emailed and talked to her on the phone enough that a face-to-face encounter won’t scare you to death!

Here are two articles to get you started:

  1. Lesbian Online Dating Tips
  2. How to Write a Personal Ad

Another great way to meet lesbians is to get involved with activities that interest you. Certainly going to a bar is not for everyone, especially people who have issues with alcohol. There are many other great places to meet lesbians. Here are my Top 10 places to meet other lesbians and bisexual women. I don’t know where you live, but if you’re in a community where people are out and open, you can meet lesbians just about anywhere, doing anything you enjoy.

Plus, just getting out, you will feel better about yourself and stop focusing so much on how hard it is to meet women.

Get Involved in Activities for Older Women

Pick activities that are likely to appeal to women in your age range. Things like bowling, gardening clubs, reading groups and hiking groups are all great places to meet older women. Or, you can check out a group specifically for older lesbians: Oloc.

Get Your Friends Involved

You don’t mention if you have tried to have friends introduce you to people. Letting others know you’re open to meeting new people is a great way to get introduced. Since you are shy, don’t have your friends “set you up,” rather, have them invite you over for dinner, to a movie or some other social activity you might enjoy with one or two single friends. That way there is less pressure on you.

Lesbian Women and Roles

Also, you talk about your concern of all the roles of butch, femme and what they mean. I say don’t worry about any of that and just be yourself. Labels are nothing more than our attempts to make sense of who we are and how we fit into this culture. Some people take labels very seriously, others shun them vehemently, and most of us like to play around with them.

Desperately Seeking Lesbian Love

Finally, I hear a tone of desperation in your voice. You offer to provide a written guarantee that you will keep loving someone. How can you do that? You don’t know how your feelings will change and grow over time. Certainly you can make a commitment to someone after you have been with her for a time and decide this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But don’t jump the gun here.

You may come off as sounding needy and that will either scare women away, or attract those who wish to take advantage of you. Believe that you are worthy and love will come to you. Well, you can’t just sit back and wait for it. You have to take the next steps and put yourself out there. You will probably have some success and some failures, but you can’t let the rejections get you down. They are all part of the process.

Finally, it is obvious you have a great sense of humor. Lesbians love that. Good luck! It’s not easy, but most things worth it aren’t!