Help Me With My Closeted Boyfriend

Two men talking while walking on the beach
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Dear Mona,

I'm having a hard time with a situation and who better to turn to than you?

Here's the deal: I've been seeing a guy for about two months now. We go out to dinner, hang out, talk, text, IM. Pretty good communication. One minute he talks like I am his, the next breath he is talking about the fact that he's not ready for an actual relationship. We both work in different fields, but see each other at work all the time. He's a paramedic and I'm a security officer for the hospital he's contracted with. When he sees me at work, provided nobody is around, he acts like he's my boyfriend, I'm his everything! When we are out, he acts the same way. But when it comes down to having a deep conversation about our relationship, he says he's not ready for anything official. We aren't sleeping together or anything, but still we are very close.

I really know that I am falling for him, and most of the time he seems that way too. What's going on here? One tidbit of info that might be helpful is that he is not out and I am. I'm fine with him not being out and would NEVER do anything to jeopardize that. Is he just saying he doesn't want anything serious because he doesn't want to be outed or am I just wasting my time on the "relationship"?

-J
  • Put on the parking break. Enjoy spending time with him and lay off of the relationship talk for now.
  • Be open about how you feel and let him know that you are willing to take your time building a connection.
  • Ask him to communicate when he's feeling overwhelmed or when he thinks you guys are moving too fast.
  • You told me, now tell him that you would never intentionally out him, but you do desire a relationship at some point in the future.
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