Golf Puns, One-Liners and Other Fast Laughs

Tiger Woods and Arnold Palmer laughing
Want to laugh like Tiger and Arnie? Of course you do!. David Cannon / Getty Images

In the mood for a laugh? Here is a collection of golf puns, one-liners and other short funnies. What does that mean? That means that we have one-liners, two-liners and even a few three-liners. But mostly, it means the jokes here are of the short variety. (Longer jokes and story-style jokes can be found on our Golf Jokes section, and you can also check out a collection of Tiger Woods jokes.)

Ready to Yuk It Up? On to the Golf Puns and One-Liners

Q: Are you a scratch player? A: I sure am—every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!

Why do golfers carry an extra pair of pants? In case they get a hole in one.

Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddie: Oh, he's played with with you, too, eh?

Golf is a lot like taxes: You go for the green and wind up in the hole.

Q: What's the problem with my golf game? A: You're standing too close to the ball ... after you hit it.

I'm not a bad putter, I just can't catch a break.

My golf game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped.

Wife: I'm sick and tired of your obsession with golf! Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?

Q: When is the course too wet to play golf? A: When your golf cart capsizes.

If you golf on election day, be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.

The higher a golfer's handicap, the more likely he is to try to tell you what you're doing wrong.

Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice.

Golfer: That can't be my ball, it looks too old. Caddie: It's been a long time since we started.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.

Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddie: Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.

Golfer: This is the worst golf course I've ever played on! Caddie: This isn't the golf course, sir, we left that an hour ago.

What type of golf game did the fur traders play in the old days? A skins match.

A good golf partner is one who's always a little bit worse than you are.

Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddie: Absolutely! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.

Wife: You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Husband: Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.

Brand new golf balls are attracted to water, and the power of the attraction is in direct proportion to how much the balls cost.

Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's distracting! Caddie: This isn't a watch, sir, it's a compass.

Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

Q: How do you like my game? A: Oh, it's a great game, but personally I prefer golf.

The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.

Golfer: I'm ready to go for this par-5 green in two, but there's still a group on the green. What should I do? Caddie: Well, you have two options—you can go ahead and shank it right now, or wait for the green to clear and then top the ball half way there.

I once played a golf course that was so difficult I lost two balls in the ball washer!

The game of golf is 90-percent mental and 10-percent mental.

When your putt lips out, what disease do you have? Liprocy.

Q: Why is the game called "golf"? A: Because all the other 4-letter words were already taken.

Golfer A: I played World War II golf—out in 39 and home in 45. Golfer B: I played Civil War golf—out in 61 and home in 65.

When it comes to putters, try before you buy: Never buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

A golfer who says he never cheats is also a liar.

Q: You made a 12 on a par-3? How in the world did you manage that? A: I chipped in from the fringe.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10-percent of the time, but hit a 2-inch branch 90-percent of the time.

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.

Two longtime golf buddies were standing on a tee box overlooking a river, getting ready to hit their tee shots. One golfer pointed down the river, turned to the other golfer and said, "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain!"

Q: How bad do you want to be a good golfer? A: I have a driving ambition.

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," you score a six, and you write down "five."

Q: What's the easiest shot in golf? A. Your fourth putt.

Q: If he a bad golfer? A: It's a fore-gone conclusion.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.

What is it called when you fluff a shot and it's still your turn to play? A dead sheep: "still ewe."

Golfer: Hey caddie, would you wade into that pond and see if you can find my ball? Caddie: Why? Golfer: It's my lucky ball.

Have a good round—may the fours be with you.