Activities Sports & Athletics Golf Puns, One-Liners and Other Fast Laughs Share PINTEREST Email Print Want to laugh like Tiger and Arnie? Of course you do!. David Cannon / Getty Images Sports & Athletics Golf Basics History Gear Golf Courses Famous Golfers Golf Tournaments Baseball Bicycling Billiards Bodybuilding Bowling Boxing Car Racing Cheerleading Extreme Sports Football Gymnastics Ice Hockey Martial Arts Professional Wrestling Skateboarding Skating Paintball Soccer Swimming & Diving Table Tennis Tennis Track & Field Volleyball Other Activities Learn More By Brent Kelley Brent Kelley Brent Kelley is an award-winning sports journalist and golf expert with over 30 years in print and online journalism. Learn about our Editorial Process Updated on 08/29/18 In the mood for a laugh? Here is a collection of golf puns, one-liners and other short funnies. What does that mean? That means that we have one-liners, two-liners and even a few three-liners. But mostly, it means the jokes here are of the short variety. (Longer jokes and story-style jokes can be found on our Golf Jokes section, and you can also check out a collection of Tiger Woods jokes.) Ready to Yuk It Up? On to the Golf Puns and One-Liners Q: Are you a scratch player? A: I sure am—every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went. It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do. How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE! Why do golfers carry an extra pair of pants? In case they get a hole in one. Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddie: Oh, he's played with with you, too, eh? Golf is a lot like taxes: You go for the green and wind up in the hole. Q: What's the problem with my golf game? A: You're standing too close to the ball ... after you hit it. I'm not a bad putter, I just can't catch a break. My golf game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped. Wife: I'm sick and tired of your obsession with golf! Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us? Q: When is the course too wet to play golf? A: When your golf cart capsizes. If you golf on election day, be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more likely he is to try to tell you what you're doing wrong. Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice. Golfer: That can't be my ball, it looks too old. Caddie: It's been a long time since we started. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddie: Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth. Golfer: This is the worst golf course I've ever played on! Caddie: This isn't the golf course, sir, we left that an hour ago. What type of golf game did the fur traders play in the old days? A skins match. A good golf partner is one who's always a little bit worse than you are. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddie: Absolutely! You miss the ball much closer than you used to. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight. Wife: You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Husband: Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt. Brand new golf balls are attracted to water, and the power of the attraction is in direct proportion to how much the balls cost. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's distracting! Caddie: This isn't a watch, sir, it's a compass. Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball. Q: How do you like my game? A: Oh, it's a great game, but personally I prefer golf. The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you. Golfer: I'm ready to go for this par-5 green in two, but there's still a group on the green. What should I do? Caddie: Well, you have two options—you can go ahead and shank it right now, or wait for the green to clear and then top the ball half way there. I once played a golf course that was so difficult I lost two balls in the ball washer! The game of golf is 90-percent mental and 10-percent mental. When your putt lips out, what disease do you have? Liprocy. Q: Why is the game called "golf"? A: Because all the other 4-letter words were already taken. Golfer A: I played World War II golf—out in 39 and home in 45. Golfer B: I played Civil War golf—out in 61 and home in 65. When it comes to putters, try before you buy: Never buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. A golfer who says he never cheats is also a liar. Q: You made a 12 on a par-3? How in the world did you manage that? A: I chipped in from the fringe. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10-percent of the time, but hit a 2-inch branch 90-percent of the time. Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well. Two longtime golf buddies were standing on a tee box overlooking a river, getting ready to hit their tee shots. One golfer pointed down the river, turned to the other golfer and said, "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain!" Q: How bad do you want to be a good golfer? A: I have a driving ambition. Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," you score a six, and you write down "five." Q: What's the easiest shot in golf? A. Your fourth putt. Q: If he a bad golfer? A: It's a fore-gone conclusion. If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong ball on a golf course. What is it called when you fluff a shot and it's still your turn to play? A dead sheep: "still ewe." Golfer: Hey caddie, would you wade into that pond and see if you can find my ball? Caddie: Why? Golfer: It's my lucky ball. Have a good round—may the fours be with you.