Sex and Politics Late-Night Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Sex and Politics

David Letterman on the Late Show

Jeffrey R. Staab / CBS Broadcasting Inc.

"On his way to his concession speech last night, Anthony Weiner avoided the media by ducking into a McDonalds. Then he created a scene there by saying, 'Who wants to see a quarter-pounder with two McNuggets?'" -Conan O'Brien

"New York City is replacing electronic voting booths with 50-year-old lever machines. When reached for comment, Anthony Weiner said, 'I was already planning on going into the booth and pulling a 50-year old lever.'" -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush was asked by someone in the audience if he'd seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' The president said he hadn't seen it, but he'd be happy to talk about ranching. Then he added, 'Ranching still means gay sex, right?'" -Conan O'Brien

"Remember when Republicans like Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston got in trouble it was for sex scandals? See, Tom DeLay is in trouble for money. Or as Republicans would call it—this is a return to traditional values." -Jay Leno

"California education officials said today that the state of California needs 52,000 more teachers. They say we are facing a huge teacher shortage. In fact, by the year 2007, they said many students will be forced to have sex with each other." -Jay Leno

"Did you hear the video game industry has changed the ratings of the game Grand Theft Auto to an adult-only rating after pressure from media watchdog groups and politicians because the game had hidden sexual content? Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children. See that shows you how uptight we are in this country about sex. Apparently a game when you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay—it's the sex we're worried about." -Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto after finding hidden sex in the game. I don’t know, is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her husband wouldn't have been impeached." -Jay Leno

"There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the other way. The only problem is when Hillary does look the other way Bill's having sex with a women over there, too." -Jay Leno

"The John Bolton nomination has cleared the committee. Larry Flynt has entered the fray. He said he has evidence Bolton bought tickets to a swingers club and forced his wife to have group sex. Today Ted Kennedy said he's heard enough—he's voting yes." -Bill Maher

"Sen. Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton." -Jay Leno

"This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina." -Jon Stewart

"Hillary Clinton is repositioning herself constantly. She is now campaigning against sex and violence in TV shows and video games. She said studies show that children who... are exposed to sexual images are more likely to blow her husband" -Bill Maher

"Jeff Gannon... He is a White House correspondent who has been lobbing softball questions at the president and his press secretary, turns out he is actually a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals... He actually had two jobs—one obviously was sleazy and shameful and the other was a gay male prostitute... I think I know what Bush meant now when he said he has a mandate." -Bill Maher

"The government has announced that Medicare will now cover sexual performance drugs like Viagra. This is part of President Bush's no erection left behind." -Jay Leno

"Taking a page from their tsunami playbook, the White House announced today that former presidents Bush and Bill Clinton will head up the fundraising efforts for the hurricane relief. And you know, Bill Clinton is no stranger to this kind of thing. He was once visiting the French Quarter during a hurricane and got blown behind a dumpster." -Bill Maher

"Republicans say they plan to press for a constitution amendment to ban gay marriage. Because the founding fathers intended gay sex to be very casual. They didn't want it to be married." -Craig Ferguson

"Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization, Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. And yet he gives that carpet-muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride." -Tina Fey

"Today in Washington, Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger had lunch with Senator Ted Kennedy. I understand Gloria Allred is now representing the waitress." -Jay Leno

"It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old." -David Letterman