20 Stand up Comedians Who Totally Get What It's like to Be a Parent

Jerry Seinfeld

"Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you dont' have a top for it." - Jerry Seinfeld

Jim Gaffigan

"You want to know what it's like having a fourth kid? Imagine you're drowning, then someone hands you a baby." - Jim Gaffigan

Jr. Williams

"It's weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I'd have to remind my son not to touch the dog's butthole." - Jr.Williams

Louis CK

"If you're with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can't go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a f**king a**hole."  - Louis CK

Ray Romano

"Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you." - Ray Romano

Nathan Timmel

"My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser.

She's about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she'll be my little Rain Man." - Nathan Timmel

Ari Fishbein

"Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, 'You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.'" - Ari Fishbein

Rita Rudner

"I want to have kids by my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours." - Rita Rudner

Keith Alberstadt

"I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, 'This is my oldest. It's my favorite.' 'This one was the result of a long night of drinking.' 'This one came out a little darker than I expected.' And so on." - Keith Alberstadt

Nate Smith

"Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome." - Nate Smith 

Steve Ryan

"I'm totally 'that dad' who leaves a note in my son's lunch box. One day I'll actually start putting food in there also." - Steve Ryan

Samantha Ruddy

"If I ever have kids I'm going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I'll be like, 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and then I'll make them watch Bambi." -Samantha Ruddy

@Funnymantiefel

"Here's a little advice for parents: You want your kids to fight and not get along. You know what you get when they work together? The Menendez brothers, that's what." -@Funnymantiefel

Alan Cox

"My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face." - Alan Cox

Phyllis Diller

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller

Judd Apatow

"I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp's kid must be like, 'Oh god, my dad with those freakin' scarves. This isn't a pirate ship, it's Costco, dad.'" -Judd Apatow

Conan O'Brien

"Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours." -Conan O'Brien

Will Ferrell

"I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, 'Upstairs now!' 'Brush teeth!' 'Lights out!' There is so much chaos you can't really take the time to articulate." - Will Ferrell

Chris Rock

"As a parent you've only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole." - Chris Rock

David Letterman

"I'm too old for any of this, but especially that [poop]. Maybe it's just me being a ninny, but for 6 months I just wake up like OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? But I'm sure that will pass." - David Letterman