20 Stand up Comedians Who Totally Get What It's like to Be a Parent

Parenting Is a Tough Job, Made Easier with Humor

jerry seinfeld doing a standup show

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Parenting truly is the toughest job you'll ever love, and it's definitely easier to get through those rough patches when you're armed with a good sense of humor! The following comedians have been there, done that, and they've got the jokes to prove it! Check out 20 funny parenting quotes from famous stand ups and a few up-and-comers you may not have heard of (yet!).

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Jerry Seinfeld

jerry seinfeld doing a stand up show

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"Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you dont' have a top for it." - Jerry Seinfeld

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Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan meme


"You want to know what it's like having a fourth kid? Imagine you're drowning, then someone hands you a baby." - Jim Gaffigan

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Jr. Williams

Jr Williams meme


"It's weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I'd have to remind my son not to touch the dog's butthole." - Jr.Williams

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Louis CK

Louis CK meme


"If you're with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can't go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a f**king a**hole."  - Louis CK

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Ray Romano

Ray Romano meme

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"Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you." - Ray Romano

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Nathan Timmel

Nathan Timmel meme


"My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser.

She's about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she'll be my little Rain Man." - Nathan Timmel

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Ari Fishbein

Ari Fishbein meme


"Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, 'You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.'" - Ari Fishbein

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Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner meme

Ethan Miller/Rita Rudner

"I want to have kids by my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours." - Rita Rudner

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Keith Alberstadt

Keith Alberstadt meme

 Keith Alby/Reddit

"I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, 'This is my oldest. It's my favorite.' 'This one was the result of a long night of drinking.' 'This one came out a little darker than I expected.' And so on." - Keith Alberstadt

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Nate Smith

Nate Smith meme


"Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome." - Nate Smith 

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Steve Ryan

Steve Ryan meme


"I'm totally 'that dad' who leaves a note in my son's lunch box. One day I'll actually start putting food in there also." - Steve Ryan

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Samantha Ruddy

Samantha Ruddy meme


"If I ever have kids I'm going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I'll be like, 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and then I'll make them watch Bambi." -Samantha Ruddy

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Funnymantiefel meme


"Here's a little advice for parents: You want your kids to fight and not get along. You know what you get when they work together? The Menendez brothers, that's what." -@Funnymantiefel

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Alan Cox

Alan Cox Show meme

Stand-Up Comedy/Pinterest

"My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face." - Alan Cox

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Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller meme

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"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller

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Judd Apatow

Judd Apatow meme

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"I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp's kid must be like, 'Oh god, my dad with those freakin' scarves. This isn't a pirate ship, it's Costco, dad.'" -Judd Apatow

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Conan O'Brien

Conan Obrian meme

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"Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours." -Conan O'Brien

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Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell meme

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"I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, 'Upstairs now!' 'Brush teeth!' 'Lights out!' There is so much chaos you can't really take the time to articulate." - Will Ferrell

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Chris Rock

Chris Rock meme

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"As a parent you've only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole." - Chris Rock

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David Letterman

David Letterman meme

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"I'm too old for any of this, but especially that [poop]. Maybe it's just me being a ninny, but for 6 months I just wake up like OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? But I'm sure that will pass." - David Letterman