Best Jokes About Fathers and Fatherhood

It is good to be able to laugh at ourselves from time to time.  Life is often pretty serious and sobering, and a chuckle can often break the monotony and lessen the stress.  And while I get the “clueless dad” stuff that seems so prevalent in modern media, it is sure overdone and not reflective of the fathers I know.  So these ten stories and jokes don’t reinforce the clueless father stereotype but are simple and honest expressions of humor about fathers and fatherhood.

of 10

Things a Dad Will Never Say.

Teen showing dad her homework
Sturti/Vetta/Getty Images

Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as:

  • “Can you turn up that music?”
  • “Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.”
  • “I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.”
  • “Here, you take the remote.”

Courtesy of Reader’s Digest

of 10

Paternal Payback

Teen and Dad Driving
Ryan McVay / Getty Images

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.

“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”

Courtesy of Reader’s Digest

of 10

Taking the Moment.

Minister at Church
Creative RF / Getty Images

A pastor explained how Saturday was a day to get things done around their house because of work, family and church responsibilities. Just a few weeks ago he and his youngest son Jeff who is six years old had just finished mowing the lawn and were putting things away. The pastor thought this would be a terrific opportunity to rest and spend a few minutes with Jeff. The two of them crawled up on the family's trampoline and gazed up into the blue sky. With a puzzled look, Jeff turned and asked "Dad...Why are we here?"

The pastor thought this would be great teaching opportunity so he explained how we are children of our Father in Heaven, how he has sent us here because he loves us and wants us to experience the things he has created for us, how he wants us to serve one another, to learn, to grow and to develop those qualities that will allow us to return to live with Him some day. The father paused and asked if that had answered his question. Jeff responded, "Not really". The pastor then began to think how else he might be able to answer the question when Jeff again asked, "Dad ... Why are we here?...weren't we supposed to pick Mom up an hour ago?"

Courtesy of

of 10

What Famous Fathers Would Say

Christopher Columbus
Creative Rm / Getty Images

Over the centuries fathers have given their children plenty of good advice.

  • Christopher Columbus’ Father: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.  You could have written.
  • Michelangelo's Father: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
  • Napoleon’s  Father: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.
  • Goldilocks’ Father: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this Goldie?
  • Albert Einstein’s Father: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?
  • Thomas Edison’s Father: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!
  • Humpty Dumpty’s Father: Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

Courtesy of

of 10

Fathers of 1900 and Fathers of Today

1900's Father and Family
Creative RM / Getty Images
  • In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success.
  • Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.
  • In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
  • Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is on the video camera.
  • In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
  • Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
  • In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, “Wake up, it’s time for school.”
  • Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: “Wake up, it’s time for hockey practice.”
  • In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
  • Today, a father comes home to a note: “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, I’m at the gym, Pizza in the fridge.”
  • In 1900, a Father’s Day gift would be a hand tool.
  • Today, he’ll get a digital organizer.
  • In 1900, “a good day at the market” meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
  • Today, “a good day at the market” means Dad got in early on an IPO.

Courtesy of the Stray Thoughts Blog

of 10

Four Expectant Fathers

Men in Waiting Room
Creative RF ./ Getty Images

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"

The nurse then tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work at the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.

"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"

Courtesy of

of 10

Thanksgiving Divorce

Parents on the phone
Caiaimages / Getty Images

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Courtesy of

of 10

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Kids On Father's Day

Family on Father's Day
Creative RF / Getty Images

10. "And you are?"

9. "Father? We always kind of assumed you were our mother."

8. "I'm supposed to give you a gift to thank you for ruining my life?!"

7. "Hey Dad, on your special day, how 'bout updating your will?"

6. "It's not just a nose hair trimmer, it's a nose and ear hair trimmer."

5. "All eight of us got you a subscription to US Weekly, so you can read about how you're cheating on Mom."

4. "It's a restaurant, Dad; they require a shirt."

3. "I know you don't play golf, but golf balls were easier to shoplift."

2. "It's nice to go through the motions like this every year."

1. "Here's a couple bucks. Get yourself a McDLT."

David Letterman, Courtesy of The Huffington Post

of 10

Father's Day Breakfast

Father and son eating cereal
Hybrid Images / Getty Images

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast, and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,''Try it, dad.''

The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,''How do you like it, Dad?'' The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is ... something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.'' The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.''

As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?''

The little boy again smiles and sings,''The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.''

Courtesy of

of 10

A Note to Dad

Man reading a letter
Ryanstock / Getty Imagdes

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With dread, he opened the envelope and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have found real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son, John

PS.  Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

PPS. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a school report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

Courtesy of