Funny Break Up Quotes

These funny break up quotes pack a punch

Woman eating ice cream on sofa

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Regardless of whether you have been through one or a dozen breakups, each one erodes your spirit. A breakup leaves you sapped. It affects your self-esteem, confidence, and relationships. Many heartbroken people are known to drown themselves into addiction: be it smoking, drugs, or even food. The emotional upheaval also causes physical disorders: insomnia, memory loss, weight gain, and digestive disorders.

Different Ways to Heal

While you shouldn't drown your grief in alcohol or drugs, you should take solace in spiritual talks, music, yoga, and dance. Take up activities that help release stress, and heal your soul. Read self-improvement books, inspirational quotes, or even funny quotes to shake off the gloom. Share your feelings with friends, without clinging on to the past. Most of all, avoid blaming yourself.

Laughter Is the Best Medicine

Humor helps cushion the fall after a bad breakup. Laughter releases the endorphins that are needed to counter depression. Humor also helps you reflect on the situation in a lighter vein. Many humorists have poked fun at breakups. Read this collection of funny breakup quotes. These quotes make light of the situation, poking harmless jokes. Some quotes mock at love and marriage. Let laughter play on your lips when you read these funny breakup quotes.


Joan Crawford

  • "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."

Mae West

  • "All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else."

Steve Martin

  • "There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."

Johnny Carson

  • "The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."

Paris Hilton

  • "Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all."

Cyril Connolly

  • "The dread of loneliness is greater than the dread of bondage, so we get married."

Victoria Holt

  • "Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."

Ogden Nash

  • Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But Hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can Love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art.

Marie Corelli

  • "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."

Bob Udkoff

  • "Hate is such a luxurious emotion, it can only be spent on one we love."

Miss Piggy, The Muppet Show

  • "Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs."
  • "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."


  • "The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing... and then marry him!"

Dave Barry

  • "The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that over the years, men have developed an inflated notion of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything."

Katherine Hepburn

  • "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

Rita Rudner

  • "The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one."

Mahatma Gandhi

  • "I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage."

Sir George Jessel

  • "Marriage is a mistake every man should make."

Dennis Miller

  • "After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of two things. First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need two bathrooms... both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in."

Queen Victoria

  • "When I think of a merry, happy, free girl, and look at the ailing, aching state a wife is generally doomed to, which you can't deny is the penalty of marriage."

Andy Rooney

  • "For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty plus, there is a balding, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress."

Lizz Winstead

  • "I think... therefore, I'm single."

Steve Martin

  • "There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."

Jerry Seinfeld

  • "Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

John Imbergamo

  • "There are always a few before-Valentine's Day breakups that allow people to cancel reservations."

Katherine Mansfield

  • "If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."

Mae West

  • "Live close, visit often."
  • "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."

Queen Elizabeth I of England

  • "I would rather be a beggar and single, than a queen and married."

Marion Smith

  • "Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women."

Jane Austen

  • "It is always incomprehensible to men, that a woman should refuse an offer of marriage."

Jean Harlow

  • "I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man."

Gloria Steinem

  • "The surest way to be alone is to get married."


  • "By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
  • "I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage."

Dave Barry

  • "What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series."