Humor Political Humor The Funniest Political Quotes of All Time Share PINTEREST Email Print Political Humor Political Quotes Political Cartoons Political Jokes Political Memes By Daniel Kurtzman Daniel Kurtzman Daniel Kurtzman is a political journalist turned satirist. He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject. Learn about our Editorial Process Updated on 01/06/19 The funniest political quotes include quips from writers, thinkers, and statesmen such as Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce, and Abraham Lincoln. 01 of 42 Mark Twain on Congress "Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." 02 of 42 P.J. O'Rourke on Democrats vs. Republicans "The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it." 03 of 42 Jim Hightower on George Bush "If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush's head." 04 of 42 Groucho Marx on Politics "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." 05 of 42 Ronald Reagan on Age "I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." 06 of 42 Will Rogers on Politicians vs. Comedians "Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." 07 of 42 Franklin Roosevelt on Conservatives "A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward." 08 of 42 Ambrose Bierce on Politics "Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." 09 of 42 Bill Clinton on Being President "Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." 10 of 42 Barack Obama on His Name "Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president." 11 of 42 Mark Twain on the World "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it." 12 of 42 Bill Clinton on the White House "I don't know whether it's the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system." 13 of 42 Ambrose Bierce on Voting "Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." 14 of 42 Ann Richards on George H.W. Bush "He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth." 15 of 42 Lyndon Johnson on Being President "Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it." 16 of 42 John Kennedy on Campaigning "Just think what my margin might have been if I had never left home at all." 17 of 42 Ambrose Bierce on Conservatives "Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others." 18 of 42 Barack Obama on Dick Cheney "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." 19 of 42 John Kennedy on Knowing Nothing "You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure." 20 of 42 Barack Obama on His Strengths and Weaknesses "If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome." 21 of 42 Abraham Lincoln on Silence "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." 22 of 42 Jimmy Carter on People Waving At Him "My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers." 23 of 42 Ronald Reagan on the Deficit "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." 24 of 42 John Kennedy on His White House "I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone." 25 of 42 Ronald Reagan on the Vice Presidency "There is absolutely no circumstance whatever under which I would accept that spot. Even if they tied and gagged me, I would find a way to signal by wiggling my ears." 26 of 42 Lyndon John on His Vice President "All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it." 27 of 42 John Kennedy on Buying Votes "I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: ''Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.'" 28 of 42 Abraham Lincoln on Being Two-Faced "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" 29 of 42 Ronald Reagan on National Emergencies "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting." 30 of 42 George W. Bush on Being Decisive "When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive." 31 of 42 Stephen Colbert on George W. Bush "I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world." 32 of 42 Bill Maher on George W. Bush "Herbert Hoover was a sh**ty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'" 33 of 42 Margaret Cho on George Bush "George Bush is not Hitler. He would be if he f**king applied himself." 34 of 42 John Kennedy on Becoming a War Hero "It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat." 35 of 42 Ronald Reagan on Politics "Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." 36 of 42 Barack Obama on Donald Trump "Now, I know that he's taken some flak lately but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?" 37 of 42 Ronald Reagan on Jimmy Carter "Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his." 38 of 42 Lyndon Johnson on Economics "Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else." 39 of 42 George Carlin on What Conservatives Care About "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for." 40 of 42 Ronald Reagan on Abortion "I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." 41 of 42 Lyndon Johnson on the News Media "If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'" 42 of 42 John Kennedy on Enemies "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."