Making Your Lesbian Partner Orgasm

When You or Your Lover Cannot Come

Marga Buschbell Steeger/Photographer's Choice RF/Getty Images

There are many couples out there who have been together for weeks, months, or years and have trouble giving their partner an orgasm. It can be even more challenging for same-sex couples learning how to give their partner an orgasm for the very first time. Orgasm problems can start with women who never had an orgasm at all, or for those who have had orgasms in the past but can no longer have them now. If you're a lesbian who is having trouble making your partner, or yourself, come during sex, there is hope for you.

Many Lesbian Partners Experience Sexual Difficulty

Consider a couple who has been together for two years. They love each other very much, but one of them is unable to give the other an orgasm. This can easily make their sex life, confidence, and self-esteem suffer. It can be even more complicated when someone has never orgasmed before with any partner. To add another layer of complexity, this woman has never climaxed by herself during masturbation.

Struggling to give our partners an orgasm can create a lot of pressure—it's natural to want to please our partners sexually. However, it's important to realize that many women experience orgasm problems. In fact, according to Planned Parenthood, as many as one in three women have trouble reaching orgasm when having sex. Ultimately, there could be many reasons a partner's inability to have an orgasm—and none of them have to do with skill or ability as a lover.

Psychological and Physical Reasons

There may be psychological reasons for a partner's inability to reach an orgasm. If she is a survivor of sexual abuse (one in three women are) that could affect her ability to relax and come, even with a partner that she truly loves and trusts. Feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or anxiety can all contribute to the challenge.

There may also be physical reasons for a partner struggling to reach orgasm. If she has any physical problems or recently had a surgery, that could do it alone. Additionally, medications could inhibit the ability to orgasm. For instance, having depression and/or taking drugs used to treat depression often has side effects, like lowering one's sexual desire and orgasmic response.

Couples can look for additional causes for a lack of orgasm like not being stimulated enough, having a lack of knowledge or fear of sex, having issues in the relationship, or going through menopause.

There are four main categories of orgasm problems:

  • Primary anorgasmia: This is a term for the condition in which someone has never experienced an orgasm.
  • Secondary anorgasmia: When someone has an orgasm before, but has difficulty reaching one in the future, it is referred to as secondary anorgasmia.
  • Situational anorgasmia: Partners experience this kind of orgasm dysfunction when they can only orgasm in specific situations, like during oral sex or masturbation. Situational anorgasmia is the most common type of orgasmic problem.
  • General anorgasmia: Those experiencing the inability to achieve orgasm under any circumstances have general anorgasmia—even when highly aroused and sexual stimulation is sufficient.

How Lesbians Can Learn How to Come

It's a good sign if your lover masturbates. Some women who are not able to come with someone close to them are able to do so when masturbating. If your partner is having trouble coming solo, have her try different vibrators at various speeds and areas. Of course, using such a tool in the bedroom does not mean there is anything wrong with her or your ability as a lover.

If your partner has never had an orgasm or is unsure if she's truly had one, you can always bring it up with a trusted physician or gynecologist to discuss further. Drugs like Viagra have worked for some women, especially those taking SSRI antidepressants. More often, women with sexual problems have a combination of physical and psychological issues affecting their sex drive and how it functions. There could also be a situation where she's feeling like she “needs to perform” which can affect the ability to orgasm.

There are additional ways to treat orgasmic dysfunction:

  • Try an off-label oral prescription bupropion
  • Ask your doctor about off-label "Scream Cream" available at compounding pharmacies. There are many different topical medications for women to apply to the clitoris to get the blood flowing and increase the likelihood of an orgasm.
  • Use an FDA-approved pelvic electrical stimulating tool, like the Intensity or Eros device. This helps stimulate the pelvic muscles that contract with your climax (plus there's direct clitoral arousal).

Enjoy Sex Without the Orgasm for Now

Continue to have sex without the pressure of expecting an orgasm. This will allow you both to enjoy the physical closeness and intimacy of being naked and vulnerable with each other. When sex becomes goal-oriented, the sense of intimacy and connection can easily be lost. In fact, your partner may feel that she is letting you down by not coming. Reassure your partner that you love her, enjoy being with her, and want to make her feel good. Sex can absolutely be enjoyable without having an orgasm.