Funny Political Quotes and Classic One-Liners

Humorous Quotes and Quips About Politics

Mark Twain
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"The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it." —P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of Whores
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." —Groucho Marx
"Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
“The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bulls**t." —Lars-Erik Nelson, political columnist
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." –Mark Twain
"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." —Will Rogers
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks." —George H.W. Bush
"She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking to a happy and wonderful night — ah, life." —Sen. Ted Kennedy, speaking about his then-fiancee, Victoria Reggie
"Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Oh, except maybe from time to time." —Bob Dole, on working with the Clinton administration
"If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush's head." —Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush
"I don't know whether it's the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the federal prison system." —Bill Clinton, on life in the White House
"There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil." —Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford, and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." —Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" —Marion Barry
"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." —Ronald Reagan
"A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about." —Newt Gingrich, speaking at the 1996 Republican Convention
"They don't call me Tyrannosaurus Sex for nothing." —Ted Kennedy
"Ozone Man, Ozone. He's crazy, way out, far out, man." —George H.W. Bush speaking about Al Gore during the 1992 presidential campaign

"In a recent fire, Bob Dole's library burned down. Both books were lost. And he hadn't even finished coloring one of them." —Jack Kemp
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" —George H.W. Bush, speaking to a group of students about drug abuse
"You cannot be president of the United States if you don't have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for — don't cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care." —George H.W. Bush, speaking to employees of an insurance company during the 1992 New Hampshire primary
"Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to do because you're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering." —George H.W. Bush
"I am not one who...who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around." —George H.W. Bush
"He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth." —Former Texas Gov. Ann Richards on misstatements made by George H.W. Bush
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." —Dan Quayle
"People would say, 'We need a man on the ticket." —Rep. Pat Schroeder, on why George Bush was unlikely to choose a woman as his running mate in 1988
"The attractive lady whom I had only recently been introduced to dropped into my lap...I chose not to dump her off." —Former Senator and presidential candidate Gary Hart, on his encounter with Donna Rice
"Well, I learned a lot...I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries" —Ronald Reagan
"I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me." —Jimmy Carter, in an interview with Playboy one month prior to the 1976 election
"All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it." —Lyndon Johnson on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president
"If you don't mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream." —Barry Goldwater