Facebook Jokes

Funny Late-Night Jokes About Facebook

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Latest Late-Night Jokes

"Mark Zuckerberg announced that a dislike button is finally coming to Facebook. Finally a way to tell your friends how you really feel about their baby." –Conan O'Brien

"Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook is working on adding a 'dislike' button to its website. And I, for one, am very excited that finally people will have the ability to be negative on the Internet." –James Corden

"Facebook has unveiled a new option to let users keep their private information secure. The option is called 'Sign Off of Facebook.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Facebook went down yesterday for the second time in a week. In fact it's gotten so bad, people are holding up their babies to strangers and shouting, 'Do you 'Like' this?' 'Do you 'Like' this? ... 4 'Likes.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook is showing no sign whatsoever that they will ever leave us alone. They're developing 'Facebook at Work.' We already have a Facebook for people at work. It's called Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that more than 11 million people have quit Facebook in the last three years. And unfortunately, none of them were your parents." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference to announce that if you post one more picture of your cat sleeping, they're going to delete your account." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook has reportedly patented software that recognizes new slang words when they're posted. The software stores the words in what they call a social glossary while they're current, then removes the words once they're no longer popular. I wish Facebook would spend less time with stuff like cataloging new slang and more time trying to stop the monsters who keep inviting me to like their homemade jewelry page." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Zuckerberg introduced a new feature called Graph Search. It delivers search results from your network of Facebook friends, so you can ask questions like, "Who are my friends that live in San Francisco?" By the way, if you have to ask that, you don't have any friends in San Francisco." -Jimmy Kimmel

"It's an interesting new feature. Soon you'll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook." -Jimmy Kimmel

"When Facebook stock went on the market, it was priced at $38 a share. Now, a share is worth $18.99. Market analysts have said we're not posting enough pictures of our cats on Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some investors are suing Facebook saying they were misled. Their CEO is a kid in a hoodie. That's how much we have been misled." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This Facebook fiasco is one of the biggest clusterf**ks ever on Wall Street. Regular people got screwed and the banks and the insiders did okay. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, 'The American Dream.'" –Bill Maher

"Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever." –Craig Ferguson

"Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash." –Craig Ferguson

"Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason." –Jimmy Fallon

"On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket." -Jay Leno

"As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, 'Now there's a sound investment.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time." -Jimmy Fallon

"It was just announced that more than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It's great: Now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns you." -Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook." -Jay Leno

"Tunes announced a controversial app has been pulled after people said it was designed for stalkers. The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name: Facebook." -Conan O'Brien

"A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That's ridiculous. I don't need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook has been redesigned and it now contains a real-time news ticker. Every update says, 'Breaking news: You’re screwing around at work.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook." –Conan O'Brien

"The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago." –Craig Ferguson

"A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be 'wasting your time on Facebook.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently went hunting and killed a bison. Yeah, it was weird, because the bison's last words were, 'I . . . hate . . . the new Facebook layout!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his own Facebook fan page hacked into. Zuckerberg immediately ordered the hacker to be tracked down, seized, and hired." –Conan O'Brien

"There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new iPhone app that lets you call your Facebook friends from your phone. Of course, I only got on Facebook so I wouldn't have to call these people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work." –Jay Leno

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook has passed 500 million members. If Facebook was a country, it would be the third-largest country on earth ... and by far the least productive." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush." –Conan O'Brien

"Facebook is said to be working on a check-in feature so that your friends can see your location. Though I think everyone knows, if you’re on Facebook, you’re at work." --Jimmy Fallon

"Google is now developing a Facebook rival, a product similar to Facebook. They say their goal: so you never have to see your friends in real life ever again." -Jay Leno

"Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I'm serious. She's on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day, a social networking site for teenagers." --Bill Maher