Humor Political Humor Donald Trump's Craziest Quotes Share PINTEREST Email Print Win McNamee / Getty Images Political Humor Political Quotes Political Cartoons Political Jokes Political Memes Politicians By Daniel Kurtzman Daniel Kurtzman is a political journalist turned satirist. He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject. our editorial process Daniel Kurtzman Updated November 08, 2019 Politics has always had its drama, but when Donald Trump is involved, it's a "reality show." And sometimes reality isn't pretty—like when he speaks off-the-cuff or logs onto Twitter, especially during his presidential campaign. 01 of 73 Donald Trump Brags About Groping Women "You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the p**sy. You can do anything." —In a 2005 interview with Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush 02 of 73 Trump Calls Hillary Clinton 'Such a Nasty Woman' At the third presidential debate: "Nobody respects women more than me."Three minutes later: "Such a nasty woman." —Oct. 19, 2016 03 of 73 Trump Reportedly Asks Why We Can't Use Nukes "Why can’t we use nuclear weapons?" —Reportedly asking a foreign policy adviser three times during a meeting why the United States couldn’t use its nuclear weapons stockpile, according to MSNBC's Joe Scarborough 04 of 73 Donald Trump Hints at Hillary Clinton Assassination "If she gets to pick her judges—nothing you can do, folks. Although, the Second Amendment people. Maybe there is. I don’t know." —In what many interpreted to be a suggestion that someone might shoot Hillary Clinton, her Supreme Court picks, or both, said at a Wilmington, North Carolina, campaign rally (Aug. 9, 2016) 05 of 73 Donald Trump Smears Gold Star Mother "His wife, she was standing there, she had nothing to say. She probably— maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say." —Smearing Ghazala Khan, the mother of a fallen American soldier, by implying that she was not allowed to speak, despite the fact that she has spoken publicly about her son's death (ABC News interview, July 30, 2016) 06 of 73 Trump Didn't Even Know What a Gold Star Family Is "'You do know you just attacked a Gold Star family?' one adviser warned Trump.Trump didn’t know what a Gold Star family was: 'What’s that?' he asked." —As reported by New York Magazine 07 of 73 Donald Trump Threatens War With Iran Over Hand Gestures “When Iran, when they circle our beautiful destroyers with their little boats, and they make gestures at our people that they shouldn’t be allowed to make, they will be shot out of the water." —Threatening to go to war with Iran over rude hand gestures, Pensacola, Florida (Sept. 9, 2016) 08 of 73 Trump: Dodging Taxes 'Makes Me Smart' "That makes me smart." —Responding to Hillary Clinton’s suggestion that he pays no federal income tax (Sept. 26, 2016) 09 of 73 Trump Calls on Russia to Hack Clinton and Sabotage Election “Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press." —Calling on Russian espionage services to intervene in the U.S. election and help sabotage Hillary Clinton. The emails in question were deemed "personal," but Trump has previously said he thinks they contain sensitive intelligence, meaning that Trump is hoping Vladimir Putin gains access to classified government information (July 27, 2016) 10 of 73 Trump Attacks 'Mexican' Judge in Trump University Fraud Case "I’ve been treated very unfairly by this judge. Now, this judge is of Mexican heritage. I'm building a wall, OK? I'm building a wall." —Accusing U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel, who is presiding over the fraud case against Trump University, of being biased against him because of his Mexican heritage, despite the fact that he is a U.S. citizen who was born in Indiana (CNN interview, June 5, 2016) 11 of 73 Trump Won't Commit to Accepting Election Results "I will tell you at the time. I’ll keep you in suspense, OK?" —Refusing to say whether he will accept the election outcome during the third presidential debate (Oct. 19, 2016) 12 of 73 Draft-Dodging Trump Says POW McCain 'Not A War Hero' "He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured." —On John McCain, despite the fact that Trump himself dodged the draft to avoid the Vietnam War 13 of 73 Trump Mocks Reporter With Disability “Now, the poor guy—you've got to see this guy, ‘Ah, I don't know what I said! I don't remember!'" —Mocking New York Times investigative reporter Serge Kovaleski, who has a physical disability called arthrogryposis that limits flexibility in his arms, by jerking his arms in front of his body 14 of 73 Donald Trump Brags About His Temperament "I'm also honored to have the greatest temperament that anybody has." —November 3, 2016 15 of 73 Donald Trump on His Daughter "I don't think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." —When asked how he would react if Ivanka posed for Playboy 16 of 73 Donald Trump on Women "Women: You have to treat them like s**t." 17 of 73 Donald Trump on Ogling Women in Dressing Rooms "I sorta get away with things like that." —On bursting into the Miss Universe pageant dressing rooms 18 of 73 Donald Trump on Shooting Somebody "I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters, okay? It's, like, incredible." —Speaking at a rally in Sioux Center, Iowa, as the audience laughed, January 23, 2016 19 of 73 Donald Trump: 'I Love the Poorly Educated' "We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated." —On his performance with poorly educated voters who helped him win the Nevada Caucus (Feb. 23, 2016) 20 of 73 Trump: Cancel the Election and Give It to Me "We should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump." —Speaking at a rally in Toledo, Ohio (Oct. 27, 2016) 21 of 73 Trump Accuses Hillary of Starting the Birther Controversy "Hillary Clinton…started the birther controversy. I finished it." —Falsely claiming that Hillary Clinton started the rumors that President Obama wasn't born in the United States (Sept. 16, 2016) 22 of 73 Donald Trump on 'Bad Hombres' "We have some bad hombres here, and we're going to get them out."—Speaking about illegal immigrants at the final presidential debate (October 19, 2016) 23 of 73 Donald Trump Brags on 9/11 That His Building Was Now Tallest "40 Wall Street actually was the second-tallest building in downtown Manhattan...And now it’s the tallest." —Bragging about his building following the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center in an interview with WWOR/UPN 9 News in New York. 70 Pine Street, just a block away, now being bigger (Sept. 11, 2001) 24 of 73 Donald Trump Makes Tragedy All About Him "Dwyane Wade's (sic) cousin was just shot and killed walking her baby in Chicago. Just what I have been saying. African-Americans will VOTE TRUMP!" —Tweeting about the tragic death of Nykea Aldridge, cousin of NBA star Dwyane Wade, and making it all about him (Aug. 27, 2016) 25 of 73 Donald Trump Boots Crying Baby Out of Rally “Actually, I was only kidding. You can get that baby out of here. Don’t worry. I think she really believed me that I love having a baby crying while I’m speaking. That’s OK. People don’t understand. That’s OK." —Booting a mother and her crying baby from a rally moments after saying "I love babies" (August 2, 2016) 26 of 73 Trump: I know More About ISIS Than the Generals Do "I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me...I would bomb the sh**t out of them." —Nov. 13, 2015 27 of 73 Donald Trump Was Unaware Russia Had Already Invaded Ukraine "[Vladimir Putin] is not going into Ukraine, OK, just so you understand. He’s not gonna go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down." —Apparently unaware that Russia had already annexed Crimea in a 2014 intrusion into Ukraine that left thousands dead (July 31, 2016) 28 of 73 Trump Threatens to Hit DNC Speakers 'So Hard Their Heads Would Spin' "You know what I wanted to. I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. I would have hit them. No, no. I was going to hit them, I was all set and then I got a call from a highly respected governor...I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard his head would spin and he wouldn’t know what the hell happened...I was going to hit a number of those speakers so hard their heads would spin, they’d never recover. And that’s what I did with a lot—that’s why I still don’t have certain people endorsing me: They still haven’t recovered." —Reacting to the Democratic National Convention (July 29, 2016) 29 of 73 Donald Trump on the Sacrifices He's Made "I think I've made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I've created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, built great structures. I've had tremendous success. I think I've done a lot." —Rejecting the assertion made at the Democratic convention by Muslim lawyer Khizr Khan, whose son died in Iraq in 2004, that Trump had "sacrificed nothing and no one." Trump was unable to name an actual sacrifice when pressed to elaborate. (ABC News interview, July 30, 2016) 30 of 73 Donald Trump's Humble Brag After the Orlando Massacre "Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism. I don't want congrats. I want toughness and vigilance. We must be smart!" —Tweeting a humble brag following the Orlando shooting massacre, June 12, 2016 31 of 73 Donald Trump: 'I've Had a Flawless Campaign' “I've had a beautiful, I've had a flawless campaign. You'll be writing books about this campaign.” —July 29, 2016 32 of 73 Donald Trump on Punching a Protester in the Face "I love the old days, you know? You know what I hate? There's a guy totally disruptive, throwing punches, we're not allowed punch back anymore....I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell ya." —On how he would handle a protester in Nevada, sparking roaring applause from the audience (Feb. 22, 2016) 33 of 73 Trump Offers to Pay Legal Fees for Supporters Who Beat Up Protesters "There may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience. If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. OK? Just knock the hell—I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees." —Encouraging violence at his rallies, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Feb. 1, 2016 34 of 73 Donald Trump on Supporting the Iraq War "Yeah, I guess so." —When asked if he supported the Iraq war, despite the fact that he now claims he opposed it, interview with Howard Stern (Sept. 11, 2002) 35 of 73 Trump Doesn't Care if He's a Hypocrite About Mike Pence's Iraq Vote "I don't care. It's a long time ago. And he voted that way and they were also misled. A lot of information was given to people…" —Forgiving his running mate, Mike Pence, for voting in favor of the Iraq war, saying he was "entitled to make a make mistake" but adding that Hillary Clinton isn't ("60 Minutes" interview, July 17, 2016) 36 of 73 Donald Trump on 9/11 "There were people that were cheering on the other side of New Jersey, where you have large Arab populations. They were cheering as the World Trade Center came down." —Making an unfounded accusation regarding the 9/11 attacks 37 of 73 Trump Brags About His Penis Size: 'I Guarantee You There's No Problem' "He referred to my hands, if they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee it." —Defending his penis size in reference to a joke by Republican rival Marco Rubio, GOP presidential debate (March 3, 2016) 38 of 73 Donald Trump on Megyn Kelly "You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever." —Insulting Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly over questions she asked during the first Republican primary debate 39 of 73 Donald Trump on the Media "You know, it really doesn`t matter what [the media] write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass." 40 of 73 Donald Trump: 'Look at My African-American Over Here!' "Look at my African-American over here!" —At a campaign rally (June 3, 2016) 41 of 73 Donald Trump on Hillary's 'Woman Card' "I think the only card she has is the women's card. She has got nothing else going. Frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don't think she would get 5 percent of the vote. And the beautiful thing is women don't like her, ok?" —Victory press conference, New York, April 26, 2016 42 of 73 Donald Trump Insults the Pope "For a religious leader to question a person's faith is disgraceful. I am proud to be a Christian.…If and when the Vatican is attacked by ISIS, which as everyone knows is ISIS' ultimate trophy, I can promise you that the Pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been president because this would not have happened." —In response to remarks by Pope Francis saying that "a person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian." (February 18, 2016) 43 of 73 Trump Accuses Cruz's Father of Helping JFK's Assassin "His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald's being—you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. They don't even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it." —Suggesting that Ted Cruz's father may have been involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, despite the fact that no proof exists of any such link, Fox News interview, May 3, 2016 44 of 73 Donald Trump: 'All I Know Is What's on the Internet' "What do I know about it? All I know is what's on the internet." —On trying to smear a protester who rushed the stage at his campaign rally by tweeting a widely debunked hoax video tying him to ISIS, "Meet the Press" interview, March 13, 2016 45 of 73 Donald Trump on Mexico "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have lots of problems...they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime. They're rapists." 46 of 73 Trump Declares Hispanic Love With Tacos "Happy Cinco de Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!" —In a tweet 47 of 73 Donald Trump's Profanity "We're gonna bring businesses back. We're gonna have businesses that used to be in New Hampshire, that are now in Mexico, come back to New Hampshire, and you can tell them to go f**k themselves. Because they let you down, and they left!" —At a rally in Portsmouth, New Hampshire 48 of 73 More Donald Trump Profanity "These people—I'd like to use really foul language. I won't do it. I was going to say they're really full of s**t, but I won't say that." —Speaking about politicians at a campaign rally in Exeter, New Hampshire 49 of 73 Donald Trump Calls Poor People 'Morons' "My entire life, I've watched politicians bragging about how poor they are, how they came from nothing, how poor their parents and grandparents were. And I said to myself, if they can stay so poor for so many generations, maybe this isn't the kind of person we want to be electing to higher office. How smart can they be? They're morons." —In a New York Times interview with Maureen Dowd (Nov. 28, 1999) 50 of 73 Donald Trump Tells People to 'Ask the Gays' “The LGBT community, the gay community, the lesbian community—they are so much in favor of what I’ve been saying over the last three or four days. Ask the gays what they think and what they do, in, not only Saudi Arabia, but many of these countries, and then you tell me—who’s your friend, Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?" —In a boast that provoked widespread ridicule from the LGBT community (June 15, 2016) 51 of 73 Donald Trump on Muslims "Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on." 52 of 73 Donald Trump on Vladimir Putin Killing Journalists "I think our country does plenty of killing also, Joe." —Seemingly unconcerned that Russian President Vladimir Putin kills journalists who disagree with him, when pressed to condemn such actions in an interview with MSNBC's Joe Scarborough 53 of 73 Donald Trump Quotes Mussolini "It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —In a tweet quoting fascist Italian dictator Benito Mussolini 54 of 73 Donald Trump on Hillary Clinton "[Hillary Clinton] was gonna beat Obama. I don't know who would be worse, I don't know, how could it be worse? But she was going to beat—she was favored to win—and she got schlonged, she lost, I mean she lost." —Using a vulgar Yiddish word for penis to mock Hillary Clinton 55 of 73 Donald Trump on Potty Talk “I know where she went—it’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it. No, it’s too disgusting. Don’t say it, it’s disgusting." —On Hillary Clinton taking a bathroom break during a Democratic presidential debate 56 of 73 Donald Trump on Carly Fiorina "Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president I mean, she's a woman, and I'm not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?" —On Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina 57 of 73 Donald Trump on 'The Apprentice' "All of the women on 'The Apprentice' flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected." 58 of 73 Donald Trump Praising Supporters "That was so great. Who was the person who did that? Put up your hand, put up your hand. Bring that person up here. I love that." —Praising two audience members who tackled a protester at his rally in South Carolina 59 of 73 Donald Trump: 'There's No Violence' at Campaign Rallies "The press is now going, they're saying, 'Oh but there's such violence.' No violence. You know how many people have been hurt at our rallies? I think, like, basically none except maybe somebody got hit once. It's a love fest. These are love fests. And every once in a while…somebody will stand up and they'll say something.…It’s a little disruption, but there's no violence. There's none whatsoever." —On his campaign rallies, despite documented evidence to the contrary (March 14, 2016) 60 of 73 Donald Trump on Building a Wall "I will build a great wall—and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me—and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words." 61 of 73 Donald Trump on the Unemployment Rate "I've seen numbers of 24 percent—I actually saw a number of 42 percent unemployment. Forty-two percent. 5.3 percent unemployment—that is the biggest joke there is in this country.…The unemployment rate is probably 20 percent, but I will tell you, you have some great economists that will tell you it's a 30, 32. And the highest I've heard so far is 42 percent." —Vastly overstating the unemployment rate in a claim rated false by Politifact (Sept. 28, 2015) 62 of 73 Trump: Reporter 'Made Up' Story of Alleged Assault "Perhaps she made the story up. I think that's what happened." —On Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields, who accused Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski of grabbing her arm aggressively as she attempted to question the candidate. Fields tweeted a photo of her bruised arm, and news accounts corroborated her story. (March 10, 2016) 63 of 73 Donald Trump on the Candidates "I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful." 64 of 73 Donald Trump on Trump Steaks "Trump Steaks, where are the steaks? Do we have steaks? We have Trump Steaks." —Touting a steak business that no longer exists during a press conference by handing out steaks from Bush Brothers Provision Co. Trump frozen steaks were offered at Sharper Image stores in 2007 but have since been discontinued. (March 8, 2016) 65 of 73 Donald Trump on Himself "The beauty of me is that I'm very rich." 66 of 73 Donald Trump on Kids "I like kids. I mean, I won’t do anything to take care of them. I’ll supply funds, and she’ll take care of the kids." 67 of 73 Donald Trump on African-Americans "I have a great relationship with the blacks." 68 of 73 Donald Trump on Hillary "If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?" 69 of 73 Donald Trump on Obama's Birth Certifiate "I have people that have been studying [Barack Obama's birth certificate] and they cannot believe what they're finding...I would like to have him show his birth certificate, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can't, if he can't, if he wasn't born in this country, which is a real possibility…then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics." —Three weeks before Obama released his long-form birth certificate in 2011 70 of 73 Donald Trump Warns of Riots if He Isn't GOP Nominee "I think you'd have riots. I think you'd have riots. I'm representing many, many millions of people. In many cases first-time voters....If you disenfranchise those people? And you say, well, I'm sorry, you're 100 votes short, even though the next one is 500 votes short? I think you'd have problems like you've never seen before. I wouldn't lead it, but I think bad things will happen." —On what will happen if the nomination is taken from his at the Republican convention (CNN interview, March 16, 2016) 71 of 73 Donald Trump on Being President "I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created." —Announcing his campaign for president 72 of 73 Donald Trump on Losing "I don't think I'm going to lose, but if I do, I don't think you're ever going to see me again, folks. I think I'll go to Turnberry and play golf or something." —Maryland rally (April 24, 2016) 73 of 73 Donald Trump on Making Mistakes “I don’t think I’ve made mistakes. Every time somebody said I made a mistake, they do the polls and my numbers go up, so I guess I haven't made any mistakes."