Demotivational Quotes for Pessimists With a Sense of Humor

If you've already had your share of upbeat, witty quotes about life and the human experience and you're looking for some more realistic words of motivation, look no further. The following demotivational quotes from famous writers, artists, fictional characters, and public figures will be right up your alley. These hilarious words of wisdom are geared towards pessimists who understand just how ridiculous life can be, yet instead of becoming bitter and disenfranchised they've decided to laugh. These quotes tell it like it is—and make us laugh in the process!

On Success

Homer Simpson
“Trying is the first step toward failure.”

Robert Penn Warren
“You have to make the good out of the bad because that is all you have got to make it out of.” 

Unknown
“The best things in life are actually really expensive.”

Latrell Sprewell
"Success is just failure that hasn't happened yet."

Dwight Schrute
"Not everything is a lesson. Sometimes you just fail."

W.C. Fields
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” 

Dom Mazzetti
"Challenging yourself...is a good way to fail."

John Benfield
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

Dorothy Parker
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” 

Harry Hill
“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.”

On People

Arthur C. Clarke
“I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.” 

Bette Midler
“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” 

Albert Einstein
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

Terry Pratchett
“Just imagine how terrible it might have been if we’d been at all competent.” 

Justin Sewell
“TEAMWORK: A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.”

Margaret Mead
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

George Carlin
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

Benjamin Franklin Wade
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” 

Charles M. Schulz
“I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!” 

W.C. Fields
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.” 

Jane Wagner
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”

Charles de Gaulle
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”

Jane Austen
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”

Jay McInerney
“The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.” 

Alan Dundes
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

On Life

Ashleigh Brilliant
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”

Lemony Snicket
“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” 

Steven Wright
“The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.”

Charlie Brown/Charles M. Schulz
“I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time.”

Cassern S. Goto
“Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.”

George Bernard Shaw
“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”

Douglas Adams
“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” 

Elbert Hubbard
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

Albert Einstein
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

Marion G. Harmon
“Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.”

David Letterman
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”