The 20 Best Jokes at the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen on stage at the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen
Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Actor and former Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen took a victory lap after his very public 2011 meltdown by agreeing to be the guest of honor at the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, which taped September 10, 2011, at Sony Studios in Los Angeles.

Appearing on the dais were Anthony Jeselnik, Jon Lovitz, Amy Schumer, Jeffrey Ross, Mike Tyson, William Shatner, Patrice O'Neal and others.

Here are the very best jokes, one-liners, and insults from the roast.

  1. "Honestly, Charlie, I never thought I would live to see the night that you would live to see this night." - Seth Macfarlane
  2. "Unlike all you people on this dais, I actually know Charlie. And I'm famous." - Jon Lovitz
  3. "How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men." - Jon Lovitz
  4. "Seth Macfarlane, the only difference between you and the hooker Charlie locked in the closet is that the hooker eventually came out." - Kate Walsh
  5. (To Charlie Sheen) "You know, it's amazing. Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you've had removed is your kids." - Kate Walsh
  6. "Instead of getting his life together, Charlie went out on a national comedy tour where every night you walked out on stage and told the audience you were a warlock from Mars. Maybe you are, but I'll tell you what you're not: a comedian from Earth." - Jeffrey Ross
  7. (To Charlie Sheen) "You're the black sheep of a family responsible for three Mighty Ducks movies." - Jeffrey Ross
  8. (On Mike Tyson) "He's a guy who's beaten every opponent he's ever gone up against, except for the letter 'S'." - Seth Macfarlane
  9. "During a very dark period in my life, I found inspiration by reading the great epic poem The Iliad. So, see, Seth? You're not the only person that's gotten by taken ideas from Homer." - Mike Tyson
  10. (To Jeff Ross) "During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off." - Mike Tyson
  11. "Kate Walsh, I don't watch that stupid show you're on, but I did think it was interesting you have your own line of perfume — for that special lady, who wants to smell like "Who Gives a F---." - Anthony Jeselnik
  12. (To Charlie Sheen) "The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox." - Anthony Jeselnik
  13. "Charlie definitely has tiger blood coursing through his veins. Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless drug addict." - Steve-O
  14. (To Charlie Sheen) "It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you. You know, your daughters." - Amy Schumer
  15. "Charlie, you get a bad rap, but you're just like Bruce Willis. You know, you were big in the '80s and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton Kutcher." - Amy Schumer
  16. "Charlie, I'm 80 years old. You're, what, 47? How come we look like we went to high school together?" - William Shatner
  17. "I love Mike Tyson and I don't have much to say. I'm just disappointed and hurt at how much comfort white people have around you now." - Patrice O'Neal
  18. "Jeff Ross is a legend. His funniness is a legend. But when I say 'legend,' I mean a myth." - Patrice O'Neal
  19. "It's true, I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years: losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special." - Charlie Sheen
  20. "When I did Ferris Bueller, my first line in the movie was "Drugs?" I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid." - Charlie Sheen