Comedic Female Monologue from "CSI: Neverland"

Funny Lines from a Funny Play

This comedy monologue from "CSI Neverland" is a surefire hit. Getty Images.

The play "CSI Neverland" is a spoof of both "Peter Pan" and the "CSI" television series. It is age-appropriate for performance by middle school and high school drama classes as well as adult theater performances. This monologue can be used as a drama exercise.

"CSI Neverland" Monologue

In this outrageous spoof, Neverland's 911 operator deals with some wildly imaginative emergency situations.


Neverland 911, what's the emergency? You are being kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific?
Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he's limping on a peg-leg then it's probably Long John Silver, but if he has a hook then it's probably Captain-oh- He's got a hook and a pegleg? Oh dear. Please hold.

Neverland 911, what's the emergency? Being harassed by mermaids? How dreadful. Please hold.

Neverland 911, how can I help you? Trapped in Skull Cave?  The tide is coming in? Oh my! Please hold.

Neverland 911, what's your problem? Your rowboat's falling apart? And you're being attacked by a tick-tocking crocodile?  Oh you poor dear! Please hold.

Neverland 911. Hey Thumbelina! How you doin' girl? He did?! Why, you need to dump that Tom Thumb. Uh-huh? Uh-huh? No, I'm not busy. You tell me all about it!

"CSI Neverland" Play

The entire "CSI Neverland" script is available for purchase and performance rights at Heuer Plays.The full-length play runs 90 minutes. Speaking roles are available for 14 performers, equally divided by gender. Zero to 10 performers of any gender can be used as extras.

The action of the play takes place in a library, crime lab, native camp, the Never-ever Land police precinct, and locations in Never-ever Land.

The humorous plot involves the murder of Peter Pantaloon's shadow. Investigators are assigned and Fairy Forensics Officers Murk and Tinker arrive on the scene. They suspect librarian Brenda Brooks, who is no fan of Peter Pan, Harry Potter, or Dr. Suess. She is interrogated and meets the infamous Captain Sharp as they place her in a lineup.

The CSI lab includes two Lab Rats, who suspect the crocodile may be involved with the disappearance of the shadow. This sends one investigator to the crocodile's family and introduces the Red Herring. The investigators enlist Captain Sharp's girlfriend to find evidence against him. But it is Brenda Brooks who solves the mystery, and along the way, she finds love and a new appreciation for classic children's literature.

The play has been performed by a wide variety of high schools, including public, private, faith-based, and the USAF Air Force Academy High School. It may be a good choice for a humorous play that gives a mash-up of a classic children's play with a modern-day television series that students and parents are likely to have watched. As with the chief suspect and protagonist, Brenda Brooks, the performers and audience may have a new appreciation of the classics and how children's literature can entertain and enlighten audiences.