How to Come Out to Your Husband as a Lesbian or Bisexual

Telling Your Husband You're No Straight

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You are married to a man and realize that you are attracted to women. The feelings aren’t going away and you realize you’re going to have to tell your husband. Everything that you’re feeling inside is affecting your relationship with him and whether you’re having an affair with a woman or not, he deserves to know what’s been going on for you. Here are some things to consider before coming out to your husband as lesbian or bisexual.

Your husband may be a great guy. You may still love him. He may be the father of your children and your partner in everything in life. Chances are he’s noticed the change in you. He may be blaming himself for the distance he feels from you. When you decide the time is right to tell him, here are some tips to go about it.

The Timing

Coming out to your husband is not going to be easy. Make sure you plan to tell him during a period that you know you will have the time and space to process it. Don’t do it on a holiday or your anniversary. If you have children, you might want to see if you can get someone to watch them for a day.

His Reaction

There’s no telling how he’s going to react. He may become angry. He may get sad. He may ask you to leave right away. Or he may wonder if there is any way you can work things out with him.

What Do You Want?

Before you come out to him, you should have a good understanding of what you want for your relationship with your husband. You may not know, but one thing is certain, he’s going to want to know. Do you want to leave? Do you want to try and stay, acknowledge your feelings for women and not act on them? Do you want to become non-sexual partners with him and pursue affairs with women? Do you want an open relationship where you continue to be lovers with him, but date women also? These are all options. He may or may not agree with any of them, but you can have a sense of what you desire before you come out to him.

Are you In Love with Another Woman?

For many women, coming out is not an intellectual thing that they figure out, but rather it hits them smack in the face when they fall in love with another woman. Here are some things to keep in mind if this is you: If this is your first time with a woman, the newness and intensity of it all may throw you off-balance.

A new affair is a heady thing. The excitement and sexual attraction cannot compare to the everyday routine of a long-term relationship. Try to keep this in mind as you sort out your feelings.

Oftentimes married women fall in love with other married women. You may wonder, is it just this person or am I a lesbian or bisexual? Sometimes you just KNOW, for others, it takes some time to figure out. Be patient with yourself.

And if you are in love with someone who has no intention of leaving her husband, this can cause its own set of unique challenges. Some women in this situation decide not to come out to their husbands and continue to have an affair. This is not something I recommend because it has the potential to destroy both relationships. The jealousy, lies and covering up will slowly eat away at you. Eventually, you will want to come clean.

Are You Questioning Your Sexual Orientation?

You may not know yet if you are actually a lesbian, but you may be questioning it. It is okay to share your confusion and doubt with your husband. I have heard many stories of men who just want their wives to have a happy and fulfilling life, even if it is without them. Your husband may be the guy who stands by your side while you figure it out. He may surprise you. If you are married and can't figure out if you are lesbian, bisexual or straight, it might be a good idea to see the help of a professional therapist to help you sort things out.

How to Come Out to Your Husband

You don’t have to have everything perfectly planned out, but here are some tips on how to tell your husband you are lesbian or bisexual:

  • Tell the truth.
  • Speak for yourself using I statement.
  • If you have been having problems with him, try to keep those issues separate from what is going on inside you.
  • Let him know it’s not his fault. That nothing he did caused you to be this way.
  • You don’t have to tell him everything. You may want to spare him any details of your sexual experiences with others, but if you’ve put him at risk of any sexually transmitted diseases, you should let him know that.
  • Remember this is your first conversation about this and his initial reaction will not be his lasting one.
  • Don’t come out to him in anger.
  • Don’t expect him to be your primary support in this.
  • Be honest. Don’t give him false hope for your relationship if there is none.
  • Do seek the assistance of a relationship counselor. She can help you work it out, or break up in an amicable way.
  • Encourage him to find his own support. The Straight Spouse Network is one place he can go.