Best 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' Quotes

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia cast
Photo courtesy of FX

The self-centered reprobates on "It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia" may not be people you’d ever want to hang out with, but they do say some pretty funny stuff. Dennis’ vanity, Mac’s macho bluster, Dee’s self-righteousness, Charlie’s illiteracy and Frank’s degeneracy all provide fodder for hilarious situations and quotable lines. Here are the best "It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia" quotes.

From “Charlie Wants an Abortion” (Season 1)

  • Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
  • Dennis: I don’t really have any convictions.

From “Charlie Wants an Abortion” (Season 1)

Charlie attempts to hit on women at an abortion-rights rally.

  • Charlie: Come stand next to me, then.
  • Dee: Why?
  • Charlie: So she doesn’t think I'm creepy.
  • Dee: Well, you are creepy.
  • Charlie: I realize this. That’s why I need you.

From “Underage Drinking: A National Concern” (Season 1)

Dee is about to hook up with a high schooler.

  • Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
  • Trey: Oh ... okay, I’ll tell you what: Let’s just take it slow.
  • Dee: You are so sweet ... where were you when I was in high school?
  • Trey: I was 8.
  • Dee: Right ...yeah ...

From “Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare” (Season 2)

Dennis storms into the welfare office with Dee.

  • Dennis: Hi. I’m a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please.

From “Hundred Dollar Baby” (Season 2)

Dee is juiced on steroids and taunting her boxing opponent.

  • Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
  • Frank: Nobody’s eating anybody’s babies.
  • Dee: Come on, let me eat her babies.

From “The Gang Gives Back” (Season 2)

Dennis addresses the kids’ basketball team he’s volunteered to coach.

  • Dennis: Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I’ll be proud of you.

From “Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody’s Ass” (Season 2)

  • Frank: Look, I didn’t go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
  • Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
  • Frank: ... and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

From “Dennis and Dee’s Mom Is Dead” (Season 3)

  • Frank: I got good news! Your mother is dead. Ha!
  • Dennis: Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.
  • Frank: I’m serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She’s as dead as disco! Who wants champagne?

From “Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire” (Season 3)

Mac and Charlie discuss their forthcoming TV show.

  • Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
  • Mac: See, that was real news.
  • Charlie: Yeah, we didn’t distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
  • Mac: Yes.
  • Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

From “Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender” (Season 3)

  • Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to ... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
  • Charlie: Well, that’s just a maid. You want a maid?
  • Frank: Yeah, that’s right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

From “The Gang Dances Their Asses Off” (Season 3)

Mac and Charlie are deep into a dance marathon.

  • Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
  • Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, okay?
  • Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
  • Charlie: Yeah, well, you’ve never seen me once wash my testicles either, but that doesn't mean I don’t do it every Friday.

From “The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell” (Season 4)

The old-time versions of the gang come across a Revolutionary War casualty.

  • Charlie: Wait, wait, wait ... check his pulse.
  • Dee: He doesn’t have a head, Charlie!

From “The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition” (Season 4)

Charlie and Dennis discuss their proposed renovations to a poor family’s home.

  • Charlie: What does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
  • Dennis: Hmmm ... tacos.
  • Charlie: Tacos, buddy!

From “The Waitress is Getting Married” (Season 5)

Charlie ponders what to do with a wasps’ nest he discovered.

  • Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
  • Dennis: No, wasps do not make honey.
  • Charlie: All right, well, I’m gonna check it out anyway; there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make, and I want that.

From “The Waitress is Getting Married” (Season 5)

Dennis and Mac attempt to make a personal ad for Charlie.

  • Dennis: What are your dislikes?
  • Charlie: People’s knees.
  • Dennis: Oh, come on!
  • Mac: Bro, you’ve got be kidding. You know what, we’ll just make it all up.
  • Dennis: We’ll make the whole thing up.
  • Mac: We’ll doctor the picture.
  • Dennis: We aren’t even going to use you for this.
  • Charlie: Cover your knees up if you’re gonna be walking around everywhere.

From “Mac and Dennis Break Up” (Season 5)

Charlie has made a misguided attempt to get Dee’s cat out of her wall.

  • Dee: Whoa, there are a lot of cats in this wall.
  • Charlie: Yeah, I put a lot of cats in that wall.

From "The Gang Reignites the Rivalry” (Season 5)

The gang has just explained how they poisoned their rivals in a flip-cup contest years before.

  • Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
  • Charlie: I don’t have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
  • Frank: There’s poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What’s in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
  • Charlie: Well, that’s mayonnaise. It’s a decoy.
  • Frank: And the mayo?
  • Charlie: That’s shampoo.
  • Frank: You're telling I’ve been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
  • Charlie: If you’ve been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.