Entertainment TV & Film Best 'How I Met Your Mother' Quotes Funniest Lines From the Sitcom 'How I Met Your Mother' Share PINTEREST Email Print Photo courtesy of CBS TV & Film TV Shows Comedies Dramas Documentaries Shows For Kids Movies By Josh Bell Josh Bell has been TV critic for Las Vegas Weekly since 2004. His film reviews have also appeared in The Dissolve, LA Weekly, and Film Racket. our editorial process Facebook Facebook Twitter Twitter Josh Bell Updated May 24, 2019 Supremely confident womanizer Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) may say more outrageous things than his fellow cast members on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother, but the show is still packed with quotable lines from all of the show’s young New Yorkers. Here’s a look at the best How I Met Your Mother quotes. • From “Pilot” (Season 1):In 2030, the Ted of the future is having a talk with his kids.Future Ted: Kids, I’m going to tell you an incredible story: the story of how I met your mother.Ted’s Son: Are we being punished or something? • From “The Duel” (Season 1):Marshall accidentally stabs Lily with a sword during a fight between him and Ted.Lily: On Monday I’m going to have to tell my kindergarten class, who I tell not to run with scissors, how my fiancé ran me through with a freakin’ broadsword!Marshall: Technically, it didn’t go all the way through.Lily: I’m sorry, were we having a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me? • From “Brunch” (Season 2):Robin is feeling defensive about her value as a potential spouse.Robin: I’m a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision ... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in. • From “Ted Mosby: Architect” (Season 2):Barney is trying to convince Ted that his job as an architect is sexy.Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You’re like God. There is no one hotter than God.Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture. • From “First Time in New York” (Season 2):Robin wants the gang to help her convince her sister not to lose her virginity to a jerk.Robin: Please? I’m her older sister; I’m supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.Lily: It’s two o’clock and you’ve already had three scotch and sodas.Robin: That's why I need your help! • From “Sandcastles in the Sand” (Season 3):Barney is consoling Robin, who feels insecure.Barney: You’re the most awesome person I’ve ever met. Well, second.Robin: Right, first being you.Barney: No, actually, it’s this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up? • From “Spoiler Alert” (Season 3):Everyone is pointing out each other’s flaws, and Ted comments that Lily chews loudly.Ted: I mean, you got used to Lily’s loud chewing, right?Marshall: Lily doesn’t chew loudly.Ted: Dude. This isn’t news. Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?Marshall: I suspect because she’s loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford. • From “Everything Must Go” (Season 3):Lily is in a very bad mood.Ted: Hey, how was your day?Lily: Today I yelled at a little girl for drawing a rainbow.Ted: A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming. • From “The Possimpible” (Season 4):The gang discusses Robin’s popularity as TV personality.Lily: Wow. You had more fans than I thought.Ted: And only about 60 percent of them are prison inmates.Robin: What are these guys thinking? I am way past my “dating prisoners” phase. I mean, hello, I’m not 19 anymore. • From “Old King Clancy” (Season 4):Ted’s boss has just fired him.Ted: After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.Barney: You hit him with a chair?Ted: Yep.Barney: Good man! • From “Definitions” (Season 5):Barney is concerned about officially calling Robin his girlfriend.Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple: The rules for girls are the same as Gremlins. Rule number one: Never get them wet. In other words, don’t let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: Keep them away from sunlight—i.e., don’t ever see them during the day. And rule number three: Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn’t sleep over, and you don’t have breakfast with her, ever.Ted: What about brunch? Is brunch cool?Barney: No, Ted, brunch is not cool. • From “Duel Citizenship” (Season 5):Robin is concerned about becoming a U.S. citizen.Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?Barney: It’s Canada. Question one: Do you want to be Canadian? Question two: Really? • From “Robin 101” (Season 5):Ted teaches Barney about how to treat Robin well in a relationship.Ted: Pop quiz: When robin is PMSing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?Barney: Trick question. Get her butterscotch.Ted: Correct. Why?Barney: Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.