Best Barney Stinson Quotes

From “Columns” (Season 2):

Lily is working on a painting of Barney holding a sword.

Barney: “I get that a lot.”

From “Zip, Zip, Zip” (Season 1):

Chastising Ted for waiting to have sex with a woman: “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.”

From “Slutty Pumpkin” (Season 1):

Explaining his strategy for Halloween parties: “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

From “The Chain of Screaming” (Season 3):

Barney, reacting to Ted’s new car: “Shotgun for eternity!”

Barney: “I call that I can call things.”

From “How I Met Everyone Else” (Season 3):

First explaining to Marshall about his unique qualities: “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

From “Lucky Penny” (Season 2):

Describing the simplicity of running a marathon: “Step one, you start running. There is no step two.”

From “Single Stamina” (Season 2):

Barney, describing his brother: “He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!”

Barney: “That's what I just said.”

From “Return of the Shirt” (Season 1):

Advising Ted not to look up old girlfriends: “There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.”

From “Do I Know You?” (Season 4):

Getting defensive about his potential love for Robin: “You know who is confused? Bimbos. They’re easily confused. It’s one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares; their sluggish, unencumbered minds; their unresolved daddy issues. I love them Lily, and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin—mostly thin. B-man don’t do thick crust, what up!”

From “The Yips” (Season 3):

Reminiscing about his first sexual experience: “That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”

From “Atlantic City” (Season 2):

Defending his grooming choices: “If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don’t think there would’ve been a feature about it in Details magazine.”

From “No Tomorrow” (Season 3):

Schooling Ted on the rules of cheating: “Open your brain tank, bro, ’cause here comes some premium 91-octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.”

From “Rebound Bro” (Season 3):

Giving his new friend advice on meeting women: “Now remember my three beginner’s tips for picking up chicks: Address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.”

From “The Rough Patch” (Season 5):

In a taped message recorded over one of his porn videos: “Hello, Ted. If you’re watching this tape—and I knew you’d pick this one—you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things: Either I’m dead, or I’m now in a committed relationship. If I’m dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and re-creating Weekend at Bernie’s. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I’m in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!”

From “Last Cigarette Ever” (Season 5):

Justifying his smoking habit: “I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans (sometimes those two overlap), coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course—wait for it—’cause Lord knows I have—pregnancy scares.”